Day 24- Make a Playlist to Someone, and Explain Why I Chose All the Songs

I’m going to totally cheat and use a playlist/cd I’ve already created. But in all fairness, it’s the most kick-ass playlist EVER! When I went through my divorce, music, and these songs in particular, got me through some of the toughest times. Some of you who read this already know most of this list, but there are some that I added after making the cd! So consider the extras like bonus tracks! Plus, if I link to something,  you can watch the videos of them, too!

There were songs that struck such a deep chord with me that I can’t ever listen to the song the same way again. So this playlist is dedicated for each and every person who has gone though heartbreak, lost who they were, and/or finally got the courage to kiss his/her sorry ass out the door.

Play on!

1) Feeling Good by Michael Buble – I even named my Freedom/Divorce Party after this song! This song is all about it being a new day and it’s full of new possibilities and hopes! “It’s a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me! And I’m feelin’ good!” I still get all energized when I hear that song! Hearing it live was just icing on the already awesome cake!

2) Breathe by Anberlin – The entire song pretty much sums up my entire experience with my divorce. I learned so much since then that I “can’t return to who I was before.” It’s all about moving on and changing after a hard experience. Who hasn’t had one or two of those? (P.S. It’s a lyric video… sadly, Anberlin hasn’t made a video for this song)

3) Bye Bye by Jo Dee Messina – You just gotta have a no-longer-putting-up-with-his-shit song on there! And ain’t never lookin’ back! What a studette!

4) So What by Pink – It wasn’t until I really listened to this song that I realized she had the line “lost my husband… not gonna pay his rent.” It was then that I realized how empowering this song is. It’s about having the fighting power to not deal with him not valuing you and getting in people’s face if they mess with you. It’s actually a lot deeper than it initally sounds– It’s not just about going around fighting people. Listen to it and you’ll see what I mean. Also, the feeling of being better off without “him” around has never been so eloquently put 😉 Plus, if I could be a rock star, I’d totally be Pink! (This is probably my favorite song on the cd. My itunes says I’ve listened to this song at least 60 times…)

5) This is Your Life by Switchfoot – “This is your life. Are you who you wanna be?” I wasn’t the person I wanted to be when my ex and I split. This song opened my eyes.

6) Independent Woman by Destiny’s Child – Do I really need to explain? The title of the song pretty much says it all! The lyrics pretty much describe my existence– I bought my own clothes, my own jewelry, and even my new car! And I didn’t need a penny of “his” to make it happen!

7) Bigger Than My Body by John Mayer – This song is my life theme-song. Being short, I feel like a lot of people underestimate me, so the statement of being bigger than my body really resonates with me. Plus, it’s all about doing great things and being so much more than you already are!

8) More Than Fine by Switchfoot – Besides being incredibly reminicent to high school, this song became something of a mantra for me during my whole divorce. I worked my ass off in therapy to be “more than fine, more than just okay.” I wanted to be great! I wanted to be happy and fantastic and healthy and just fucking awesome! Unfortunately, Switchfoot didn’t add that last part to their song… (P.S. Another lyric only video)

9) My Give a Damn’s Busted by Jo Dee Messina – I actually had to explain this song to more than one person as to why it was on my cd in the first place. This song is all about being tired of “give me one more chance.” It’s about being over it, over their excuses, their lies– everything. The part of you that gives a damn about them, their happiness, their apologies… it’s all gone!

10) How I’m Doin’ by Dierks Bentley – Country sure does have the best breakup songs, don’t they? This one’s no exception. It’s all about doing fantastic after someone crushed you! That’s the best revenge!

11) Boston by Augustana – It’s a song about starting over in a new place.  I can’t tell you how many times, even still, that I have fantasized about packing up everything I own and moving to a completely new place, if not a new country– to start a new life where no one knows you and you don’t know them.

12) Survivor by Destiny’s Child – Listen to the lyrics… they’re exactly my experience! I was/am stronger without my ex than I ever could have been! I work hard every day to be the best version of myself. I’m a survivor of a toxic relationship, and I am stronger because of it! Also, I wasn’t about to let the fact that my marriage fell apart crush me. I was going to grow from it and let it be the motivation I needed to never make a mistake like that again.

13) White Horse by Taylor Swift – I’ll try to stay off my soap box about “needing” a man to come rescue you on a white horse, but this song is all about letting that illusion fade and realize that life is messy and there is no white horse and no magical formula to live happily ever after.

14) My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne – “So much for my happy ending” is what I felt when everything fell apart. This song is also the story of our relationship– thought we were perfect for each other, but it turned out to be a complete facade.

15) Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson – “Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time” was the feeling of relief when he moved out, and we finally filed our papers. It was over. He was gone. And once October 19 rolled around, I really never had to deal with him ever again. Never ever again.

What songs would you add to this list? Do you have playlists of your own that have deeper meaning than just being your favorite songs?

 

Day 23- Something I Wish I Had Done in My Life

Only being 24 years old kind of makes this a hard thing to answer because there are a lot of things I want to do that I don’t feel like it is too late to do– to label as “wish I had done” instead of “want to do.”

There is a time in my life that is over and I can never go back to that I have one regret over. I had the opportunity, as almost all college students do, to study abroad. I planned on doing it from day one, but ended up talking myself out of it because I knew, all I really wanted to do was to travel.

I looked up schools in England (London more specifically), and researched how close they were to the Chunnel/airport/etc. to be able to take weekend trips to mainland Europe. That was a huge sign for me that my heart wasn’t truly in the experience to learn, but to travel. However, looking back, I know that I still could have done a lot of traveling, even if I had classes to go to. In talking to others who have studied abroad, traveling is all they seemed to do!

My heart’s desire is to travel the world, and I regret not taking the opportunity when it was presented to me to explore the world in such a unique way. So I guess I’ll just have to make up for lost time and find an ideal travel partner and travel the world together!

(But it would have been so much better doing it on the school’s time…)

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life

 

Day 22- Something I Wish I Hadn’t Done in My Life

The things that people would normally way would be a regret, I see as the springboard to changing into the woman I am today. However, there are parts of my past that I wish I could slightly alter.

Over the last year and a half since my marriage disintegrated, I have come to some very different ideas of relationships/marriage/etc. The biggest change I  have made in how I view how relationships should “go” is that I think EVERYONE should live with their partner before getting married. I wish I had been encouraged (and allowed myself) to live with my ex instead of getting married because I think we could have been saved a lot of frustration and anger in the long run. We would have also had an easier time seeing the disaster of our relationship easier if we didn’t have our marriage tying us together in the toxic relationship.

So if I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t completely remove the relationship from my life, but I would go back and change the label of our relationship. We would have been dating and living together instead of husband and wife. I wish I hadn’t gotten married, but lived with him instead.

 

Day 21- My Best Friend is in a Car Accident and We Got into a Fight an Hour Before. What do I do?

I don’t really know why this is even a question, so I’m not actually sure how to answer this. This might be one of my shorter posts.

If it was anyone I knew who got in a car accident, I would be worried, and if I was close enough to them, would even get to the hospital asap. If a friend is a best friend, that’s even more of a reason to be concerned and proactive. I don’t know why a fight would deter my concern for their well-being.

So if my best friend got in a car accident, even though we’d had a fight an hour before (no matter what the fight was about), I would haul ass to get to their side. No further explanation needed.

Whoever came  up with these blog post ideas kinda dropped the ball on this one…

 

Day 20- My Views on Drugs and Alcohol

I grew up around alcohol, with parents who were deliberate about exposing me and my sister to drinking for the enjoyment, not to get drunk. So alcohol has never been the “forbidden fruit,” because my parents would let us taste what they were drinking– whether wine, liquor, etc. Most of the time, I made a sour-lemon face (I wear my thoughts/feelings on my face), so that also helped to deter me away from drinking like a fish later in life.

I’m a total lightweight– duh! considering I only weigh 95 pounds. But I also am extremely sensitive to alcohol. I’ve gotten better at not getting sick any time I have more than 2 drinks in a night, but I still could never “get wasted.” I also don’t like the feeling of being drunk, so that is never my end goal– getting drunk, or even tipsy, comes as a surprise to me since I’m drinking for the enjoyment, not necessarily the buzz.

I do have a favorite drunk story, however, because it completely embodies my experience with alcohol. About 95% of the time, if I drink too much, I won’t get drunk, I’ll get sick. It’s quite pathetic, I know. However, I went to a friend’s housewarming party, all in the hopes of making new friends and experiencing new things. There was alcohol everywhere! Throughout the night, I had 2 (very strong) jello-shots, a margarita, and some beer in a game of flip-cup. For most people, that’s not a lot of alcohol, but man oh man, it hit me unexpectedly like a ton of bricks. One minute I was totally fine and completely drunk the next! I went and sat down on a chair and tried to get my eyes to focus on the floor, but the floor wouldn’t stop moving. It then dawned on me that I was drunk… and more importantly, I was drunk and wasn’t getting sick in the bathroom. It was actually one of the most exciting moments of my life. BUT there was no one there who could appreciate what an accomplishment not getting sick from alcohol was– I only knew two people at the party, and at the time were not good enough friends to share the moment with. My excitement had to wait until the next day where I could call people who could appreciate my accomplishment from the night before.

Am I a cheap date or what? 🙂

 

Day 19- What Do I Think of Religion? Or What Do I Think of Politics?

I’m actually at a loss as to how I want to answer this/these questions. I could give you my beliefs/views or I could talk about the subjects in general. I guess I’ll just do a combo of the two.

My thoughts on religion have drastically changed over the last year or so. After being part of protestant churches since I was born, I started getting frustrated with the way churches handled… well, everything– money, beliefs, politics, relationships, outreach, doubts, etc. I have never fit into molds very well, which has caused a lot of friction with church leaders. I’ve never been one to sit back and let things slide when they don’t make sense. “Why are we doing it that way? Where’s the money going? What’s the money being used for? What’s the purpose of this particular talk?” Big surprise that I’ve never been the teacher’s pet…

I was attracted to the more “edgy,” atypical, “emergent” churches because they seemed to be more open to talking about flaws in the system, brokenness of humanity, and accepting outsiders. However, there continued to be problems. When I would think I completely jived with the overall message and mission of the church, the leaders up and changed directions.

I finally had it with churches. I went from one church to another that started out awesome, so full of hope and vision– and turned into a pile of self-serving crap. So that probably explains as to why I haven’t been to church in almost 2 years. Those particular churches (I’m actually not sure if one is still in existence) work for some people and the churches caters to them very differently than they ever did to me (although, I do have to say, I met some of my best friends through my last church, so at least there’s that).

Over the last year and a half, I have become more open and accepting of other ideas, not letting “fear” deter my thoughts and discoveries. I’ve found numerous blogs that spoke messages that made so much more sense to me as to the way of the world. And even more than that, helped me feel not as isolated in my feelings of the downfalls of (pretty much every) church. The flaws in thinking, the greediness, the hypocrisy, the exclusivity, and the closed-mindedness of many churches and their attendees.

Religion no longer makes any sense to me. God no longer makes sense to me. Religion seems more about power and influence than an actual way of life and thinking. I know very good, gracious, loving people who are religious, and I’m not talking about people as individuals, but religions as a whole. I’m still in exploration of what I really think/believe, but I know that the religion that I grew up with no longer fits with me. I’ve fought like hell to be able to fit into the perfect  mold of a “perfect Christian.” And I’m done fighting, because I know that I will never win that fight. I will never fit that mold.

And to fit that into my thoughts on politics, I’ve always hated that Christianity is automatically assumed to be associated with the Republican party. And if you don’t vote Republican, you aren’t a true Christian. I know that there are Christians who vote Democrat, but it’s usually not announced publicly, and definitely not encouraged within the church. I know someone who was part of a very conservative Christian group and someone “found out” that she was going to vote for Obama. Some guy cornered her and “accused” her of “going to vote for him” (as if that’s a sin??) and she replied “you mean, vote-d. I already did.” Why did she have to answer to this guy? Why did she have to be part of a secret part of that group who had voted for a Democratic president?

Because, let me get this out and I’ll get off my soap-box, there are more of Jesus’ teachings that line up with the Democratic party’s ideals– helping the poor, helping women, helping children… but it all gets ignored because heaven-forbid Democrats believe that women are allowed to make decisions for their body and their life! It makes me sick that politics and religion are so intertwined in our country. We’re not a Christian nation– the founding fathers weren’t even Christians! They were not establishing a “Christian nation”– hence the “separation of church and state.”

Okay, I’m off my soap-box now. I’m not looking for a debate about this stuff, and I’m not attacking anyone one person in particular, but groups of people in general. I know there are always exceptions. But those few exceptions are not who I am talking about.

 

Day 18- My Views on Gay Marriage

**I’m not going to tip-toe around this issue. I’m going to be blunt and honest, so just keep that in mind. If after reading this post, you would like to talk to me about this issue, please let me know. This issue needs to be talked about!**

What an appropriate topic, since this is the topic that is at the forefront of my (and most of the country’s) mind right now. There isn’t much else right now that will get me more upset or fired up than the treatment of GLBT people in our country (or our world).

I’ll come out and say my stance and then go from there: I PROUDLY, AND UNASHAMEDLY, SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE.

It makes absolutely no sense to me when people state their opposition to it. I used to be more understanding in the sense of “as long as they have done their own “research” and have come to some sort of conclusion based on it, I can respect their standpoint.” I’m no longer there. I can no longer understand anyone’s opposition. Because any argument against it sounds and looks like homophobia. Just because someone is different than you is not a reason to treat them poorly or encourage (and pass laws allowing) the discrimination of GLBT people– whether anti-gay marriage, saying bullying of GLBT people is okay (and even sanctioned by the Bible), etc. I’ve never been this grounded in my viewpoint in regards to a controversial issue before. Usually I’ll sit quietly by and just let everyone have their opinion, but not with this. Not when so many people are being so blatantly discriminated against and hated.

Religious reasons are not a good enough reason to be against gay marriage. If people actually read the context of the three “mentions” of homosexuality, they would realize it’s actually against child rape and group sex. But even if people don’t research it, why should the views of one religion dictate the secular laws of our country? If a church doesn’t “agree” with gay marriage, then don’t perform the ceremony in your church. Why should your “religious convictions” prevent two people from committing their lives to each other and get the benefits of marriage (hospital visitation, estate inheritance, and yes, even tax benefits)? Their relationship has nothing to do with yours!

Other people’s marriages have no effect on someone else’s marriage– my marriage to my ex didn’t make someone from getting married, and my divorce didn’t make any of my friends or anyone else get divorce. My marriage decision and my decision to get a divorce was  a personal choice and effected me and only me. To say that the marriage of two people of the same-sex will affect anything about the sanctity of marriage or the definition of marriage or will ruin marriages in general is just bullshit. If saying that gay marriage will change marriage for the worse, then people who are “supporting traditional marriage” should be rallying against divorce and fighting to make that illegal. It’s hypocritical to say nothing about what heterosexuals are doing to marriage (50% divorce rate, in and outside of the church), but fight so hard against homosexuals getting married.

Speaking of “traditional marriage,” here’s a video that talks about how “traditional” marriage is:

Marriage’s purpose is not to procreate. It is a commitment between two people to create a life together and if children are part of their lives, then that is a personal decision between the two people in the relationship. I could go off about this part of the argument, but I’ll refer you to this post that sums up the flaws in this argument perfectly.

People have a right to love and marry who they want. If someone isn’t gay, they don’t need to marry someone of the same-sex. Simple as that. Allowing homosexual couples to marry and have ALL of the same rights as heterosexual couples will do nothing to the sanctity of marriage. I will fight openly (for the first time in my life) for the rights of people who are different from me only in who they choose to express their romantic love/affection to. They deserve the same rights to live their lives like they choose– not as outcasts, not as second-class citizens who are “civilly unioned”– I mean really, people only want to call it something different to make sure homosexual couples are continually reminded that they are “different.” I really don’t see what the big deal is to let them marry.

It is my hope that in my lifetime I hope for two things: One, that gay marriage will be allowed and recognized all over the country. And two, that we will look back on our country’s treatment of the GLBT community in the same shock and shame that we look back on the treatment of women, blacks, inter-racial marriage, etc. These people deserve our support. I will do all that I can to help raise awareness and support for this cause. There is NO REASON that homosexual couples should not be allowed to marry.

And because this video is awesome, I’m wanting to share it (beware of strong language…). Here is the site if you want to get a shirt or find out more information: http://fckh8.com/FCKH8.com/FCKH8.html

 

Day 17- A Book I’ve Read that Changed My Views on Something

I love reading, as I mentioned in my last post. I currently have 3 novels I’m reading, plus another 2 for reference for a project I’m going to embark on in November. I usually choose fiction because, like movies, fiction books take the reader away to a different time, different place, and puts the reader into someone else’s life. I love it!

However, there are a few (non-fiction) books that I’ve read that have drastically changed the way I view the world around me. I have two that I’ll tell you about:

I worked at Barnes and Noble right after I graduated from college and they have a bunch of books that sat in our break-room that are pre-released so there can be hype built up about them or people can send their opinions to the publishers about them. I have a handful of those books in my bookshelf right now (coincidentally, they’re all terrible… save for one). The one I actually really liked was called “Jezebel” by Lesley Hazelton. I grabbed it without even looking at the subtext “The Untold Story of the Bible’s Harlot Queen.” I thought it was going to be a novel about her, based on the idea of her, etc. I’ve had an interest in her for a few years ever since I was told that her name was used as an insult to women who think/act outside the box (at least in religious circles). I wanted to know more about this woman who was so notorious, even thousands of years after her death.

The book was not a novel, but an exploration into the reality of Jezebel’s existence. It talked about the inconsistencies in the Biblical telling of her story, the misconceptions about her based on the telling of her story, and even made the point that Jezebel is completely misunderstood and cast in an unfairly-negative light.

The thing this book did for me was to start to open my eyes to the inconsistencies in the telling of Biblical stories. I’m not trying to start a debate about this, but it started my exploration into the telling of people’s stories found in the Bible. There are time-line errors, cultural biases, and mistranslated parts of the story. This simple, under the radar book started a whole shift in the way I viewed the Bible, the religion of Christianity, and religion in general. I still haven’t settled on a decision of what I think of everything, but it definitely opened a door that I can no longer shut (nor do I necessarily want to).

Because of the shift in my thinking about the world, I was then pointed in the direction of the book, “Laws of Attraction” by Michael J. Losier. It’s not anti-religion, but more pro-attitude, if that makes any sense. People have good and bad things happen to them, and this book argues that our attitude and thoughts can actually affect what happens in our lives and in those around us. It helped give reason to think positively, no matter what. I tend to be an optimist, but I realized how much any sort of pessimism can completely alter my day, or even my life. If we are in tune with our thoughts and the “vibes” we are putting out, the more we can enjoy life and reap the benefits of having positive energy around us. This sounds so hookey when I type this out, but it’s a simple change in the deliberate thoughts you have that can completely alter your reality.

These books are part of a further exploration into what makes up this world, the energy around us, and the reality of religion in the world. Books and education are incredibly important. It’s amazing how much of a relief it can be when you read something that completely jives with what you’ve been thinking/feeling– exploring an idea can be alienating and it is such a relief to find books that, in so many words, can tell you, “you’re not alone in exploring this or wondering about this.” So I will continue to learn and explore.

 

Day 16- Someone or Something I Definitely Could Live Without

Except that I live in the wrong city for this to be actually possible, I could definitely live without my car. I love taking public transportation– except for that one time I got on the wrong bus and I ended up sitting next to the creepiest guy I’ve ever seen and got dropped off somewhere random on Colfax… not a good afternoon…

Every time I ride the lightrail, I pretend I’m on the Tube in London and I’m a totally chic, young professional riding it to some awesome job in the city. I’m thrown back into reality when I’m stuffed on the lightrail with a bunch of obnoxious college students from the community college. If it wasn’t potentially dangerous, I’d even take the bus to work. I live 7 minutes away from my office, so a bus ride would be so simple. It’s a good idea except for the fact that I live only 2 blocks away from Colfax and I would fear getting mugged, raped, or stalked every single time I got off the bus. Being a cute young woman in a very urban setting is not the ideal situation to wander home when it’s dark out.

But if I lived in a city with exceptional/reliable (or more readily accessible) public transportation, I would totally not own a car. Traffic brings out the worst road-rage in me, and it’s just so convenient to not have to worry about driving or traffic or parking or even getting your car broken into (has happened to me… yet another example of me living in an urban setting).

I never minded riding the bus or the lightrail, and I would do it again if I lived close to the lightrail or didn’t live so close to Colfax. Do you know how many books I was able to read when I took public transportation? I was going through books like crazy! I miss having that 30-45 minutes each way to sit and read and get some “me” time. Plus, I got to see friends on the lightrail every morning (shout out to Nathan!). When I drive, I just park and have to walk to work by myself… how boring.

However, I have to mention, that although I could live without my car, I do enjoy it. I love driving! You know that sense of freedom when you fill up your car with a full tank of gas and get on the highway? “I could just start driving down I-70 and be in California by (whatever time) tonight.” I love that feeling… although have never done anything about it.

But if I had to or could (if I lived somewhere else), I could easily give up my car. But unfortunately Denver is behind the times in regards to good public transportation. So me and my car (whether my reliable Honda or my eventual Mini Cooper) are going to have a nice long life together.

 

Day 15- Something or Someone I Couldn’t Live Without, Because I’ve Tried Living Without It

The way I would answer this question combines both “something” and “someone.” The thing that no one should ever live without someone who truly loves them. I’ve tried living without someone who truly loves me and it’s not fun. I’m not talking about my family, because I know they love me no matter what– and have proved that time and time again. I’m talking about romantic relationships.

I’ve tried living with (and marrying) someone who did not truly love or value me. At the beginning I did, but after a while, it was clear that he only loved himself and I was just a means to an end– to do what they wanted me to do and let them slack off in regards to the love all for the sake of bettering their lives. I married that someone and recently got out of a relationship where that was the case. It might take a while to realize that their behavior is that way (or at least it was for me), but soon it becomes apparent that there is truly no mutual love in the relationship.

No one deserves to be told their not worth every ounce of someone. True love is the giving of yourself and self-sacrificing. BUT it MUST be mutual, a give and take. If one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, the relationship becomes unbalanced and there is no longer true love, or even respect. How can anyone be respected when all they do is take, take, take? Or even in the reverse, that someone gives and gives without it being reciprocated.

I’ve learned a LOT from my last two relationships, but the biggest one is that if someone really cares about you, they will show it. And if they don’t, you will be fighting them for that love and affection for… ever. And no one should ever have to fight for someone to love them– because then it’s not true love. I know that relationships go through ups and downs, but what I’m talking about is the foundation of that relationship– before “I do” is said, when it should be the time of happiness and flowers and rainbows. But as I’ve learned the hard way (even though I fight like hell for it to not be true) “people tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.” (Don Draper, Mad Men) People rarely change, and if they do, it’s probably after years of therapy (me being a case in point). And a beginning of the relationship is not the time or place to be trying to go change people. It’s the time you’re learning about each other and loving every little quirk about them. If you’re already annoyed, it’s probably a sure sign things shouldn’t continue.

Why I ever went through with a wedding when things already seemed like we’d been married for years because there was no longer that love or passion or  level of excitement is still a complete mystery to me. And I then spent the last 8 months with someone who would argue with me about me wanting to spend too much time together (2 nights a week was “too much”). No one deserves that. I don’t deserve that.

We all deserve to find someone who thinks we are the greatest person in the world. As the dad in Juno says “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

That’s who I’m determined to find.