Because my knee-jerk reaction to getting an apology email from Funny Man yesterday (after 4 months of absolute silence) was to write him a scathing email in return, I thought it would be more productive to write my thoughts/response here and never reply to his lack-of-taking-responsibility email. Plus, I don’t want him to know just how much he hurt me…

 

Wow, Funny Man. It took you 4 months to write an apology to me. Glad to see your conscience at least sort of works. You might want to work on your timing though.

And I must admit, your ability to write that entire email and never once take any sort of responsibility for your actions is quite impressive. I never knew that dating someone “just happens” to people. I must be going about this dating thing all wrong.

All it would have taken would have been to call, or even email me (although, if you did that, I would have called you a coward), about what was going on. Instead, you fleetingly mentioned a trip to Mexico and never responded to my email about who you were going with. So technically you never lied to me.

But the deception and misleading abounded. But no, you never lied. That must be a major distinction in your mind since you made a point to reassure me that “I never lied to you.” Do you really think that is going to make me feel better? I know what happened and I watched everything unfold– the issue isn’t that you lied, the issue is that you lead me on and never came clean about what was going on. Instead, you just slinked away and hid behind not responding to my email. You really are a quality guy.

Strangely, the most annoying part of your email was that you told me you saw me at the restaurant with my sister. My sister and I were so sure that we ran fast enough that you didn’t see us. Both of us are bummed about that. But that “bummer” was redeemed when you told me you saw me at The Rio. I did not see you there, so it makes me happy that I unintentionally completely ignored your presence.

You claimed in your email that you still consider me a “really special person” to you. If this is how you treat the “special” people in your life, I can only imagine how you treat and handle relationships with people you actually like. Also, I think that statement is complete bullshit, so you should have just kept that to yourself. It’s not at all reassuring. “Wow, Funny Man is such an asshole, but at least he thinks I’m special”…. yeah….

And lastly, Funny Man,  you broke my heart.

And for that, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. You knowingly handled me and our relationship the way you did, so there is no justifying that away. Yeah, you found some pretty blond to be with instead. But you could have continued the “oh so honest” conversation our relationship took a break because of. It would have taken a simple phone call or conversation. Yes, it would have been hard. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable. But we could have probably stayed friends. Or at least I wouldn’t despise you to the core of my being.

You were one of my favorite people to be around and I’m really sad that that friendship is no longer there. I guess I should have kept my crush to myself and all of us could have been saved from this disaster. I pushed for something I wanted and it came back to bite me in the butt. I now know to be a lot more cautious when approaching a new love-interest. I’m trying not to let my experience with you taint how I open up and let myself be vulnerable with other people in the future. But boy is that a challenge.

Now that we work in the same building (the universe really is a bitch sometimes), I’m sure I’ll see you more often than I have. And I plan to continue to ignore you. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if you somehow initiate a “hello” but we’ll cross that bridge if/when that happens.

So now you’re just another guy I used to know.

And good riddance.

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I’m hoping by posting about my current feelings about my love life will help alleviate my frustration. So please bear with me…

I have great friends, a great job, a loving family and most of my evenings and weekends are packed. I would describe myself as happy and content with my life.

However…

I am extremely lonely.

Both my sister, who in the past has been the biggest relationship-phobe but is now in a full-fledged relationship, and The Roommate are dating men who fit them so well and I have seen how much joy they get from being in those relationships.

I look on their relationships with envy and really wish that I was with someone who made that much sense with me. Instead, I end up on dates with players, dickheads, crazies, and bores. Or on no dates at all.

And don’t get me wrong– I am so happy for my sister and The Roommate and can’t wait to see where their relationships end up (it’s like a real-life romantic comedy for The Roommate… and I have front row seats!). Their relationships show me that there are people out there who fit perfectly with another person. And it’s been so great to see the positive changes that have come from them being in those relationships.

I like dating, I like going out and meeting new people. First dates don’t give me any sort of anxiety and I’m never nervous about them– which helps me be relaxed and a good conversationalist. But I’m not meeting anyone who would be a good match for me.

Not by a long-shot.

I have a dating philosophy that says “I never say no to a request for a first date” (within reason, of course). My thought is that if a guy has had enough courage to ask me out on a date (or even for my phone number), I will oblige. And I will go with a positive attitude and hope that something comes from it. Unless I’ve known the guy for a while, how can I know how good of a match they’ll be for me if I don’t give them a chance?

But do I need to change that philosophy? Am I not being discerning enough, so I continue to end up disappointed more times than not? Or is that the “right” way to do it, and hope that eventually I’ll go out with “the one”?

And I’m not even asking for much at this point. I know that the shaming of single women is “you’re just being too picky,” which I honestly don’t think I am. At this point in time, all I’m looking for is someone who has a job, can carry a two-way conversation, I have chemistry with them, and he isn’t an asshole.

I feel like I’m too young to have to start lowering my bar/expectations. Or has 26 become the start for spinsters? Maybe it is– during a recent conversation with a friend, we started talking about how it’s nearly impossible to find someone who is not either: A) completely immature, B) recently divorced, or C) not looking for a relationship. Sounds like a list of the traits of my recent dates…

I don’t want to whine. I hate when people whine about “no one loves me!”

But I can’t seem to help myself. I’ve been doing everything I can to meet people out in my world (as opposed to online)– I’ve joined social groups, attended meetups, drank at networking happy hours, I’m currently captaining my kickball team, volunteering more– but none of that hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. Yes, I’m making new/more friends, but any guys I meet at any of those get-togethers are unavailable, way older than I am, or sleazy.

I’ve been bound and determined to not get back into the online dating world because I REALLY want to meet someone “organically.” But more and more, I’m finding that that has really become nearly impossible.

Is online dating really the only way to meet anyone any more? Or should I continue to be a “Ted Moseby” and hold out hope that I’ll meet my future mister out about in my life?

I’m feeling down about this, and I refuse to let it bring my entire out-look on life down, but I also can’t shake the dark rain cloud that is lurking in the background, ready to swallow me if I give it more than a moment’s attention.

Thanks for listening to me whine. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help me get past it and just live my life and tell that dark cloud to go away.

To help cheer me up (and tell you where the title reference came from), I’m hoping Winnie the Pooh will help:

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and meeting “the one” lately. As I’ve been talking about in my recent posts, I feel like I’m finally in a place to be ready to be in a relationship.

With the personal work I’ve done over the last few years since my divorce, I feel like I’m in a great place emotionally and mentally. I want to do the work required in a committed relationship– I want to take the good with the bad. I’m no longer afraid of not being perfect (well, I’m at least working really hard on not being…), I’m happy with who I am as a person and with my life on my own. I’m now at a place that I want to share myself and my life with someone else.

I have a much more realistic view of relationships and longevity than I used to. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what the problems were with my ex when we got married (alcoholic/drug-using family, lack of long-lasting friendships, history of cheating…), it was the fact that I didn’t think that those issues would be a big deal in our relationship. And I believed that just because we were in love/married, all problems could be solved and overcome.

I’ve grown up a little bit and now I feel like I have a better view of things. And I’m ready to bring that new view into a relationship. I want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for the sake of a relationship, and I would hate for my future mister to do the same.

It’s one of my goals this year to fall in love and besides it being a romantic idea, I think it speaks volumes about where my mind and life are at in regards to that idea. I want to fall head over heals in love– no holds barred. I want to find someone who is perfect for me– I want my friends and family to meet him and say “oh my gosh! he’s exactly the person you should be with!” I have friends and family who are with people like that, so I know what it is like on the other side to see it in someone else’s relationship.

I’m ready– probably for the first time in my life.

Now all I have to do is just meet him…

This song is dedicated to everyone in the process of seeking out the person of their dreams:

 

You know how I said that Funny Man made me laugh and that was his (come to find out only) best quality? I love to have people make me laugh, whether friends, family or in a romantic relationship.

Well, I’m no longer laughing at or with Funny Man. The details of what has happened seem so silly and so 2012 in the world of facebook-overdrive. But no less upsetting. And like that, * snap * we’re over.

Needless to say, he made his way onto my sh*t list, on which there are only a handful of people.

We started out as friends, and I tried to maintain that connection through this weird break period. Now, because of his deceptive and dishonest behavior, he is no longer even a friend. I don’t handle boyfriends (or dates) lying to me, so I sure as hell don’t tolerate my friends doing it.

I’ve spent the majority of my time dealing with Funny Man being completely frustrated and confused, so I’m finally over it. I’ve been more upset and disappointed than I have been happy.

So I’m over him.

I read this quote on 100 First Dates (who got it from Sexy Typewriter), and I think it sums up my new dating philosophy quite nicely:

“I have learned exactly one thing from this whole “dating” business. It is this: never give a man a second shot at disappointing you, because he definitely will again. In new and special ways.”

As Don Draper said in Mad Men last season: “People tell you who they are, but we ignore it – because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

So no more ignoring for me! Now to find someone who wont disappoint me from the get-go…

You know the saying “you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did”?

I think that applies to dating (or romantic relationships in general) more than anything else.

Recently, The Roommate and I have had more than one discussion about wanting to date a particular someone “just because we have to know.”

We have to know what it would be like, what it would feel like, and where it will go.

Sometimes it can be solved with a simple kiss, a single date, and sometimes the only thing that will answer it is full-fledged dating.

My go-to example is that there a guy who I knew in high school and remained close friends all through college, who I still regret not kissing– just to see what it would be like. He is/was quite the ladies man, so I assume(d) he’d make it worth my while… but I chickened out when the opportunity arose. So he’ll forever be “the hot guy I was just friends with.” (Although the rise in my social standing being friends with him is undeniable…)

When those desires rear their heads, it’s hard to think of little else. “What if” constantly plays through my head and daydreams of a first date get themselves carried away and all of a sudden I find myself daydreaming of my wedding with said groom-to-be.

More importantly, there is no real desire for anyone else. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m waiting on Funny Man to get his shit together by the end of the month so we can take our “what if/take-two” to it’s appropriate level and actually date each other. To quote Gigi in He’s Just Not That Into You (I told you, this movie is my life…), “It’s hard to focus on nutmeg when the guy who might be the guy of my dreams refuses to call me.”

I’m a strong believer in fate (possibly to my detriment), so that quote resonates with me on an incredibly deep level. I can easily write someone off as “not meant to be” but when I have this relentless desire to know “what if,” it’s a lot harder to move on.

My impatient instinct is to try to write him off, citing the fact that he has been a neglectful friend. But that’s unfair because the reason I’m having to wait is because he knew he’d be neglectful until the end of March and asked me to wait. humph

I guess this is just me venting about the fact that I hate waiting and I wish it was the end of March so we could get the “what if” answered once and for all.

I have a birthday coming up (and when I say coming up, it’s not for another month…), and the weeks leading up to it always send me into more of an introspective state of mind– much more than any New Years eve ever has.

The “birthday resolution” that has been spinning around my head for a while is this:

Don’t continue to do something if it doesn’t make you happy.

This is especially important in regards to drinking wine 😉

Of course, having to do things like pay bills is non-negotiable, but otherwise, most things are up for discussion. I spent the last year of my life at a job I hated, I was in a relationship at the beginning of the year that I was bored out of my mind about, and I went running even though I dreaded it.

So instead of spending my time lamenting about things that are fully within my power to change, I just need to change them. As I’ve mentioned before, I thrive off change, so I took the initiative to change the things that were making me unhappy. I hated my job, so I started looking for a new one (my bosses beat me to the punch before I could quit), I ended the relationship with the bore, and I stopped going running– with every good intention of doing something else instead… still working on that one.

This “resolution” is especially important in regards to romantic relationships. I’ve dated a lot and have been unhappy/disappointed more times than not. So, this year is going to be not only about being happy in all aspects of my work and social life, but I fully intend for my romantic life to follow suit.

I already started to implement this “resolution” last year but I was not fully committed to it. So being intentional about choosing happiness and taking the risk to change the things to make that possible is what this “birthday resolution” is all about.

However, it does get awkward when the change that is required for my happiness relies on having to break things off with someone I’m dating– but in the end, it’s better for everyone. Yes, having to call a guy and say “I’m no longer interested in seeing you” is incredibly uncomfortable, but boy does it take the load off.

I’ve tried to do the teenager-maturity-level-approved method of just trying to ignore the guy and hope he gets the hint. It doesn’t work that way, and then I just spent my time being annoyed every time they’d try to contact me, frustrated they didn’t just go away. I’ve also had guys treat me that way, so I know how shitty it feels when you know you’re being ignored. That method doesn’t make it easier on anyone.

But the times I was up front about what I was thinking and (not) feeling, they took the news with grace and I haven’t heard from them again. No one likes getting broken up with, but when the other person is honest, at least there is closure and mutual understanding about where the relationship stands.

Relationships and change are scary. There are so many things that have kept me from embracing a new life– and with that, a new happiness. Since I’ve been single I’ve realized something: once I didn’t let those things stand in my way, I ended up so much happier than I could have imagined. The unknown is scary, but every time I’ve been brave enough to embrace the unknown (there’s not much more of an unsettling change as a divorce), I’ve ended up exponentially happier than I could have even begun to imagine.

And that’s the happiness I want to harness this year, and all my years to come. By doing things for myself and keeping my happiness my central focus, I know I will be more satisfied with life and will enjoy my life, friends, work, and beaus that much more.

I want to be happy and fulfilled and I will do the work to be that way. That is going to be my present to myself this year… Well, that and some super-cute boots!

(And how interesting! I wrote this post and then the very next blog I read was Britt’s post about this very thing: Go here to read her thoughts on choosing happiness.)

It’s always an interesting adventure when you’re in the dating world. It’s equally fascinating and frustrating to see how different people maneuver dating and relationships.

I’ve gone on some of the most boring dates, dated guys who my friends still make fun of me about, dated guys who have the maturity level of a 13 year-old, and then, very rarely, I’ve dated guys who surprise me by being mature and understanding.

It’s unfortunate that it’s been a rarity to find a guy who could be labeled “mature,” even when they’re in their 30s

After a few long and confusing weeks, Funny Man and I have come to an agreement.

There is an undeniable connection between us, which sparked things to happen between us over the last few weeks. However, things being what they are, we’ve had to put things on hold for a few months while life stops being so crazy.

I don’t know if I’m actually okay with it, but it’s better than having to sit around being frustrated about how things aren’t happening the way I want them to. I’ve dated enough to know how things should happen in the “normal” progression of a relationship and those things weren’t happening. I’m strong enough in myself to be able to move on and know that I deserve more/better than I was getting.

So hopefully after a few months, and I haven’t found someone else in the meantime, Funny Man and I will have a “Take-Two.” But if that doesn’t happen, I will be able to look back and compliment FM for being an adult about the situation– by making a simple phone call and being honest about himself and what he’s able to do/give.

Dating is anything but predictable. So stay tuned…