Because my knee-jerk reaction to getting an apology email from Funny Man yesterday (after 4 months of absolute silence) was to write him a scathing email in return, I thought it would be more productive to write my thoughts/response here and never reply to his lack-of-taking-responsibility email. Plus, I don’t want him to know just how much he hurt me…

 

Wow, Funny Man. It took you 4 months to write an apology to me. Glad to see your conscience at least sort of works. You might want to work on your timing though.

And I must admit, your ability to write that entire email and never once take any sort of responsibility for your actions is quite impressive. I never knew that dating someone “just happens” to people. I must be going about this dating thing all wrong.

All it would have taken would have been to call, or even email me (although, if you did that, I would have called you a coward), about what was going on. Instead, you fleetingly mentioned a trip to Mexico and never responded to my email about who you were going with. So technically you never lied to me.

But the deception and misleading abounded. But no, you never lied. That must be a major distinction in your mind since you made a point to reassure me that “I never lied to you.” Do you really think that is going to make me feel better? I know what happened and I watched everything unfold– the issue isn’t that you lied, the issue is that you lead me on and never came clean about what was going on. Instead, you just slinked away and hid behind not responding to my email. You really are a quality guy.

Strangely, the most annoying part of your email was that you told me you saw me at the restaurant with my sister. My sister and I were so sure that we ran fast enough that you didn’t see us. Both of us are bummed about that. But that “bummer” was redeemed when you told me you saw me at The Rio. I did not see you there, so it makes me happy that I unintentionally completely ignored your presence.

You claimed in your email that you still consider me a “really special person” to you. If this is how you treat the “special” people in your life, I can only imagine how you treat and handle relationships with people you actually like. Also, I think that statement is complete bullshit, so you should have just kept that to yourself. It’s not at all reassuring. “Wow, Funny Man is such an asshole, but at least he thinks I’m special”…. yeah….

And lastly, Funny Man,  you broke my heart.

And for that, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. You knowingly handled me and our relationship the way you did, so there is no justifying that away. Yeah, you found some pretty blond to be with instead. But you could have continued the “oh so honest” conversation our relationship took a break because of. It would have taken a simple phone call or conversation. Yes, it would have been hard. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable. But we could have probably stayed friends. Or at least I wouldn’t despise you to the core of my being.

You were one of my favorite people to be around and I’m really sad that that friendship is no longer there. I guess I should have kept my crush to myself and all of us could have been saved from this disaster. I pushed for something I wanted and it came back to bite me in the butt. I now know to be a lot more cautious when approaching a new love-interest. I’m trying not to let my experience with you taint how I open up and let myself be vulnerable with other people in the future. But boy is that a challenge.

Now that we work in the same building (the universe really is a bitch sometimes), I’m sure I’ll see you more often than I have. And I plan to continue to ignore you. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if you somehow initiate a “hello” but we’ll cross that bridge if/when that happens.

So now you’re just another guy I used to know.

And good riddance.

What is this? Two posts in one day? Crazy, I know! I started writing this post in my head last night, but I’m still not 100% sure if I need to write this just to process or if I would like some insight/advice from you, my readers. So we’ll see once I get to the end…

The drama with Funny Man has continued, and I’m currently at an impasse as to what to do next.

He hurt me deeply, and as of a few days ago, I never wanted to even talk to him again. However, after I got an email from him with no hint of acknowledgement of things that have happened between us (so he’s either clueless or calloused…), it got me thinking: we briefly dated, but we were friends long before that.

And there was a reason I was friends with him in the first place. And was attracted to him the moment I met him. I’m drawn to him and as I’ve seen, that draw does not seem to have gone away.

I no longer have romantic feelings towards him– his inexcusable behavior has eradicated those feelings forever– but I realized I still would like to be his friend.

The realization of this feeling came as a complete shock to me. But I don’t know what to do with it. As I told The Roommate last night, I’ve never dealt with this kind of hurt from a friend before. From boyfriends/husband, well, that’s a whole other story. When he hurt me, we were acting as friends, so coming to him as a friend is how I need to approach him.

But I’ve never had a friend treat me so shitty. Well, I’ve had friends who completely ditched me in my moment of greatest need, but I have no desire to continue to be their friends, so they get a pass.

The thought of talking to Funny Man and confronting him with just how terribly he treated me is terrifying! But when his email showed up on my computer, my heart started pounding and I realized I was so mad because I still cared.

Damn!

So, in light of this revelation, I don’t know how to go about initiating this discussion and then once that discussion has been planned, how to handle it. I don’t mind confrontation, but I can’t remember the last time I called a friend out on their crappy behavior. And that’s what is holding me up.

Do I care enough about our friendship to put myself through the whole ordeal? Or can I live with the realization that I care and do nothing to rectify the situation? And if I don’t confront him, will I continue to act passive-aggressively towards him or will I be able to just let it go and act impassively about/towards him?

I think I do care about our friendship. And I think I REALLY care about getting an explanation from him about everything that happened. And to tell him that his actions really hurt me, whether he was aware of it or not, and whether he cares or not. And I really hate acting so passive-aggressively towards him– I feel petty and bitchy. Instead, I’d like to feel empowered and like I stood up for myself in the face of a careless friend.

And, as the title of my post suggests, the biggest question I need to ask myself is this: even if I stand up for myself and confront him, can I forgive him? Or has his behavior caused an irreparable rift between us that I can’t muster the forgiveness to overcome? Before any confrontation happens, I believe that is the biggest question I need to answer for myself.

So wish me luck as I get up the nerve to email him to ask him to get together to talk. I’m really not looking forward to this. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement you can offer me? Because I really need it!

To end on a lighter note, if you don’t recognize where my blog title is from, watch this clip (and then watch the movie because it’s one of the funniest movies ever!):

This post ended up being a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Because there is always a possibility of people you write about finding your blog and being hurt by things that were said, I want to still express myself without potentially hurting any feelings. As I wrote this, I realized just how much hurt and frustration I have about this, so please bear (or is it bare?) with me because I had to rewrite this a few times because writing expletives over and over didn’t seem to be the best way to express myself…

It’s probably because I’m sitting in a coffee shop, waiting to go to dinner with these people, that these people are on my mind for this post. I tend to be pretty forgiving, so to think of people/a person who I still hold lingering frustration/hurt/anger towards is usually few and far between. I tend to be understanding, if it’s nothing more than “that’s just who they are, so I have to take it or leave it.” However, there are three women women who have the rare standing of still being on my “WTF List.”

Just in case this were to ever become public knowledge of these women, I’ll be P.C. about this and be as vague and non-specific as possible. In my greatest moment of need, they abandoned me. When I needed a strong group of people to lean on, none of them were there. I had spent a year of my life with these women and it proved that our “friendship” was nothing more than… well, an acquaintance. You’d rarely come to the aid of someone you barely knew or cared about– which is exactly how I was treated.

It’s been a year, and I thought I would be over the whole thing by now. I don’t know why I’m not. Probably because I continue to run into them or see them in the settings of mutual friends. It’s really hard for me to muster up the energy to go to this dinner tonight when I know all three of them are going to be there. I want to it to be a non-issue, but for whatever reason, it doesn’t seem to be possible. I assume that they have no idea how I feel, which makes it even worse.

But, as the title of this post said, I need to forgive them. I need to let this go. I need to let the past lay to rest. But the fact that I can’t let it go tells me that there’s something more there. It probably has a lot to do with the feeling of abandonment I’ve experienced with friends in the past, so this is just something else to add to that unfortunate list. I know I’ve talked with my counselor about them before, but I’m thinking we need to take a look at them again. They play no part in my life any more, and yet they awaken in me some extreme hurt and pain and I can’t just let it go.

Some friendships are so easy and uncomplicated, and others are dramatic and infuriating. I wish this was the former. I need to let this go. I need to forgive them. Why am I holding onto this hurt after so long? Why can’t I simply forgive them, or at the very least, let it go so I don’t get emotionally effected by their mere presence?

So, unlike my former post, I can’t just easily write away my hurt and write in that I’ve forgiven them. But know that I’m working on it, and working towards a more peaceful, balanced life that they no longer have any control over.

Well, let’s just jump right into my dirty laundry, why don’t we? If you are reading this and don’t know me personally, I’ll give you a little background information about myself.

Two years ago, I got married to a man who I met when I was at school in Fort Collins. I  had two different people tell me that they did not think he was a good man to marry for various and very valid reasons. I told them both “thank you for your concern, but I’m going to do it anyway.” Needless to say, a year and three months after we got married, he moved out and our divorce was final 4 months after that. It’s been a year since the divorce was finalized (on the 19th to be specific), and my life has completely changed for the better (with the help of an amazing counselor). I’m sure I’ll go into more detail about this some other time, I’m sure. [Thus ends the background information]

So, the thing that I need to forgive myself for is not listening to those around me who were trying to prevent the eventual heartbreak I experienced. There are multiple layers to this, but that’s the biggest one.  

Leaning on the wisdom and discernment of others is a lot harder than it sounds. I tend to see the best in people so I dismiss their HUGE negative qualities because they have the potential for being so much more… unfortunately, magical sorceresses don’t exist to change the beast into a beauty. That I didn’t see my ex’s huge flaws and true character is something I’ve had to learn from. But that I didn’t listen to those around me makes me so mad at myself. It’d be a (slightly) different story if no one said anything and I had to figure it out on my own. But no, those who love me most risked a friendship and family relationship to tell me what they truly thought; and I just cast their views/truths aside. I was naive and wearing such big rose-colored glasses that it was more like I was living in a rose-colored bubble.

But after being in counseling for over a year, I’ve come to the acceptance that things couldn’t have turned out any different because of the way I viewed the world and how I had guarded my heart/emotions. By not being aware of how I was feeling and not admitting to myself that there were real problems, I made the decision I did and no one could have talked me out of it, no matter how hard they tried.

So, I give myself permission to let that go, and know that my life has changed for the better because of the huge mistake I made. And I can take comfort in the fact that I have people in my life who love me enough to tell me when they see danger in my future and risk everything to tell me. I love you both, and you know who you are. I am working really hard to be more aware the next time around so we will never have to have that conversation ever again.

I’m forgiven… I can let it go…  * whew * That feels pretty good!