April 2012


I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and meeting “the one” lately. As I’ve been talking about in my recent posts, I feel like I’m finally in a place to be ready to be in a relationship.

With the personal work I’ve done over the last few years since my divorce, I feel like I’m in a great place emotionally and mentally. I want to do the work required in a committed relationship– I want to take the good with the bad. I’m no longer afraid of not being perfect (well, I’m at least working really hard on not being…), I’m happy with who I am as a person and with my life on my own. I’m now at a place that I want to share myself and my life with someone else.

I have a much more realistic view of relationships and longevity than I used to. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what the problems were with my ex when we got married (alcoholic/drug-using family, lack of long-lasting friendships, history of cheating…), it was the fact that I didn’t think that those issues would be a big deal in our relationship. And I believed that just because we were in love/married, all problems could be solved and overcome.

I’ve grown up a little bit and now I feel like I have a better view of things. And I’m ready to bring that new view into a relationship. I want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for the sake of a relationship, and I would hate for my future mister to do the same.

It’s one of my goals this year to fall in love and besides it being a romantic idea, I think it speaks volumes about where my mind and life are at in regards to that idea. I want to fall head over heals in love– no holds barred. I want to find someone who is perfect for me– I want my friends and family to meet him and say “oh my gosh! he’s exactly the person you should be with!” I have friends and family who are with people like that, so I know what it is like on the other side to see it in someone else’s relationship.

I’m ready– probably for the first time in my life.

Now all I have to do is just meet him…

This song is dedicated to everyone in the process of seeking out the person of their dreams:

 

Advertisements

I went out this weekend with the guy who had emailed me through meetup.com. We had emailed back and forth a few times and finally planned to meet for drinks after work at a bar near downtown on Friday.

I first went to an even earlier happy hour with a friend of mine before heading over to meet my date, so I was nice a liquored up for the date… meaning I had one drink and could already feel a slight buzz. I’m a major lightweight!

Anyway, I met up with him and we sat on the patio and chatted for two hours, never dealing with a lull in the conversation. We have a lot in common and we both asked questions back and forth. Because I had to go meet with a friend later that night, I left after 2 hours after agreeing to go to the Denver Botanical Gardens on Sunday.

Things had gone really well and I was looking forward to seeing him again.

Fast-forward to Sunday.

I called him after I was done hanging out with my friends, as I had told him I would do. The Botanical Gardens was closing in 30 minutes, so there was no time to go there– but really, it’s just a bunch of plants… and I’ve been there before and not much changes year to year. I met him at a restaurant close to where I was, but it happened to be closed on Sundays, so we ended up going to a jazz club around the corner.

Let me just throw this out there: jazz club with live music + dinner = a pretty awesome date idea

My date and I continued our ease of conversation, talking about movies we like, things we like to do– you know, the typical first-date questions– when he made a comment that sounded kinda whacky (unfortunately, I can’t remember what the comment was… just know that it was “out there”). Not really thinking about what I was asking, and really only wanting to give him a hard time for saying something so dumb, I said to him “Are you a conspiracy theorist?”

That’s when he responded with “I don’t like that term because it has a lot of negative connotations…” and proceeded to tell me about the different “observations” he’d made about Denver, about Colorado in general, DIA– our airport… He actually spent a good amount of time telling me the “crazy” things people believe about DIA and then explained the “not crazy” things that are suspicious about DIA.

I would like to go on the record to say that I’ve lived in Colorado my entire life, I remember when they built DIA, and I have never looked into the “weird” things that surround DIA. Because really, who cares? If it doesn’t effect me, why do I care if there are buildings buried around DIA?

But now I know– there are buildings buried below the airport, too many tunnels than would be necessary for airport expansion, giant rooms below the airport, demon horses (the horse is a real thing (it’s the stories about it that are whacky)–have you seen the demon horse that greets you when you drive to the airport? Holy crap is that thing freaky! The eyes GLOW!), swastika layouts, phallic symbols (thank you Stephen Colbert!)… the list goes on and on.

I don’t know how he didn’t just get up and leave because my face told him I thought he was an idiot. I have a terrible poker face, and even if I’m telling you one thing, my face will tell you how I really feel/think. So either he’s the least-observant person ever or I managed to not let my true thoughts show through.

We ended up going to get ice cream (hey, a lot can be overlooked if I’m promised ice cream) and walking around continuing our conversation. When I finally dropped him off at his house (he had walked to the restaurant and we had driven to the ice cream place), I realized that I could not care less about seeing him again. Yes, we had a lot in common and he was a really nice guy…

But I just can’t get over the fact that he’s a bit crazy!

Is it weird that I’m glad I went on a date with someone where the story that came out of it was finally a “you will not believe who I went out with this weekend!” kind of story. I’ve had the (un)fortunate fortune to go out with relatively normal, albeit boring, people and the dates are usually “just okay” with nothing interesting to report or tell people about.

So thank you, Conspiracy Theorist, for being my first crazy!

Remember that Birthday Resolution List I  had? Well, The Roommate and I have started making progress on one of them: last weekend we started our garden!

Our awesome landlord put grass seed down (yay! we’ll soon have an actual lawn!… wait, now we’ll have to mow…) and also pulled up our man-eating rose bushes that lined the side of our yard a few weeks ago. So The Roommate and I are now able to plant our gardens on the side of our yard and at the back of it!

Living in Denver, we have to stick to pretty strict planting times… that whole “risk of frost/snow-coming-as-late-as-the-end-of-May” sure puts a damper on wanna-be-green-thumbs. However, according to our friendly neighborhood nursery worker, we could start planting lettuce and root veggies as early as last weekend!

So we grabbed a few started plants of three different kinds of lettuce, some cold-weather flowers– gotta keep the honey bees that live in our tree happy!– broccoli plants, and a few packets of seeds for carrots and spinach.

We also got a couple of bags of compote, carried to my car by the cute, studly (come to find out when having to carry the bags myself– those suckers were heavy!) nursery worker, and set to work on our garden. I should mention that Denver has been incredibly warm this spring, so The Roommate and I were outside when it was 70 degrees! I ❤ Denver!

We dug our hands into the dirt and pulled out some more weeds and roots and got the dirt more-or-less tilled. We then added compote to it and grabbed our plants and seeds.

After plotting out the different sections, here was what we ended up with:

Lettuce! (specific types to come later... I forgot to write them down and I'm too lazy to go look!)

Broccoli and another kind of lettuce seeds
And our flowers for our beloved honeybees!

Carrot and Spinach seeds

I’m super-excited for the rest of our garden once it’s finally warm enough to finally plant everything else! More pictures and updates to come as the summer progresses. Let’s just hope I don’t have a black thumb!

Also, we want to have cute signs to put in our yard to mark what is growing where. Anyone have any suggestions as to where to get them or a fun/cheap way to do them ourselves?

Have any of you read the book, “Law of Attraction” by Michael J. Losier? It was recommended to me by The Narcissist and the ideas of that book have actually stuck with even though I read it years ago.

The idea behind the book is that we put “vibes” out into the universe and the universe will respond in-kind. If you put negative energy out, you’ll get negative things happening to you. And if you put hopeful, positive vibes, good things will come to you. Sounds cheesy but I actually recommend the book– it’s got some pretty interesting ideas.

I talked about it in this post way back when, but I was reminded of it yesterday when I opened my email and saw a unique email waiting for me to read. I’ve been dealing with the Funny Man issues and have been feeling a lot more positive and open to the idea of really dating and really letting myself relax and truly committing to wanting a relationship.

Well, if Mr. Losier is to be believed, then those positive vibes I was putting out into the universe caused a guy to email me via meetup.com! I’m not as active as I’d like to be in regards to those groups (it’s not a dating site–that’s an important thing to note), but this guy saw we had a few groups in common so he messaged me.

It was a simple message, asking basic questions about me and it didn’t feel at all intrusive. I don’t know what is going to happen with him, but all I know at this point is that he looks pretty cute and it took a lot of guts to email some stranger to get a conversation going. And it sure gave me the ego boost I needed!

What is this? Two posts in one day? Crazy, I know! I started writing this post in my head last night, but I’m still not 100% sure if I need to write this just to process or if I would like some insight/advice from you, my readers. So we’ll see once I get to the end…

The drama with Funny Man has continued, and I’m currently at an impasse as to what to do next.

He hurt me deeply, and as of a few days ago, I never wanted to even talk to him again. However, after I got an email from him with no hint of acknowledgement of things that have happened between us (so he’s either clueless or calloused…), it got me thinking: we briefly dated, but we were friends long before that.

And there was a reason I was friends with him in the first place. And was attracted to him the moment I met him. I’m drawn to him and as I’ve seen, that draw does not seem to have gone away.

I no longer have romantic feelings towards him– his inexcusable behavior has eradicated those feelings forever– but I realized I still would like to be his friend.

The realization of this feeling came as a complete shock to me. But I don’t know what to do with it. As I told The Roommate last night, I’ve never dealt with this kind of hurt from a friend before. From boyfriends/husband, well, that’s a whole other story. When he hurt me, we were acting as friends, so coming to him as a friend is how I need to approach him.

But I’ve never had a friend treat me so shitty. Well, I’ve had friends who completely ditched me in my moment of greatest need, but I have no desire to continue to be their friends, so they get a pass.

The thought of talking to Funny Man and confronting him with just how terribly he treated me is terrifying! But when his email showed up on my computer, my heart started pounding and I realized I was so mad because I still cared.

Damn!

So, in light of this revelation, I don’t know how to go about initiating this discussion and then once that discussion has been planned, how to handle it. I don’t mind confrontation, but I can’t remember the last time I called a friend out on their crappy behavior. And that’s what is holding me up.

Do I care enough about our friendship to put myself through the whole ordeal? Or can I live with the realization that I care and do nothing to rectify the situation? And if I don’t confront him, will I continue to act passive-aggressively towards him or will I be able to just let it go and act impassively about/towards him?

I think I do care about our friendship. And I think I REALLY care about getting an explanation from him about everything that happened. And to tell him that his actions really hurt me, whether he was aware of it or not, and whether he cares or not. And I really hate acting so passive-aggressively towards him– I feel petty and bitchy. Instead, I’d like to feel empowered and like I stood up for myself in the face of a careless friend.

And, as the title of my post suggests, the biggest question I need to ask myself is this: even if I stand up for myself and confront him, can I forgive him? Or has his behavior caused an irreparable rift between us that I can’t muster the forgiveness to overcome? Before any confrontation happens, I believe that is the biggest question I need to answer for myself.

So wish me luck as I get up the nerve to email him to ask him to get together to talk. I’m really not looking forward to this. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement you can offer me? Because I really need it!

To end on a lighter note, if you don’t recognize where my blog title is from, watch this clip (and then watch the movie because it’s one of the funniest movies ever!):

When I was in high school, I was known as the “phase” girl in my youth group. (Background story: I was super-involved in church all growing up and into college. (I’ve taken a 180 degree turn from that life since then.) So to say that church and youth group were my life in high school would be a total under-statement). When we (being the girls) used that term, we referred to the girl who all the boys in the youth group liked. And their affections came and went– hence the term “phase girl.” But they all seemed to be in love with the same girl at the same time.

I believe I hold the record for longest time in that position, but no one kept an official count 😉 I knew all the guys liked me and I liked all of them. I flirted like crazy and was very friendly and uncharacteristically outgoing. I was friendly with everyone, not just the guys, and wanted everyone to feel included. Having struggled to make friends when I first came to that church, I made it a point to reach out and help anyone who was new to make friends and feel included. That plight ended up leading to my demise, but that’s neither here nor there.

That relaxation and not-being-self-conscious seemed to disappear once I entered college and by the time I graduated, it was pretty much gone for good.

I then got married, so flirting and interactions with other men was scarce and I had no need/reason to be that flirty.

But even after my divorce, that flirtiness never returned. And I’ve never been able to really relax when I interact with men.

I distinctly remember a session with my counselor about relaxing. I’m not talking about relaxing being a night drinking tea and taking a long bubble bath. I’m talking about the kind of relaxing around people that came so naturally to me in high school.

I didn’t care about what people thought, I was friendly and outgoing and enjoyed the people I spent time with. My goal to be “perfect” has ended up interfering with my natural friendliness and now I am rigid and awkward and struggle with just go with the flow.

My counselor had me sit on one couch like I would have in high school– I slouched and put my legs out in front of me– clearly comfortable and relaxed. She then had me sit in my normal chair (I literally sat in the exact same chair for 2 years solid… OCD much?) to show how I feel now. I crossed my legs and arms and sat up straight.

I don’t remember if there was even a “lesson” that was supposed to go with that exercise, but it’s one of the few sessions that I replay in my head pretty consistently. Deep down, I know what it feels and looks like to relax and just be myself. But those feelings seem to be eluding me.

During an email exchange with a new-found friend, I asked him about how to meet guys in the real world (as opposed to online). His answer was simple: be relaxed, smile a lot, and be friendly with everyone you interact with, even if it’s the person standing behind you at the supermarket– you never know what can/will happen because of those interactions.

As I read his advice, a vision of myself from high school flashed through my head. That girl is so different from who I am now, but I realized I envy her. I envy her relaxation and care-free attitude about life.

I wasn’t told any advice I hadn’t heard or even done before. But it was the reminder I needed that I can relax, be myself, be flirty and friendly. As a result, I’ll be happier with myself, my interactions with other people, and I just might finally attract the attention of a guy who values that kind of person.

I’ve dated guys who are attracted to my more mature attitude– no one ever guesses my real age– they either guess 17 because I look like a high schooler or 29 because I act a lot older/mature than people “typically” do my age. And I’ve ended up dating some pretty big a-holes… so clearly not being myself is not getting me anywhere good.

So thanks to Zak for the reminder to be myself. The real Kate is in there somewhere, possibly stuck back in high school, but maybe I can at least glean some advice from her about how to stop being so boring! Plus, I’ll have a lot more fun when I am my friendly self as opposed to the stuffy, rigid person I’ve been for the last few years.

On March 21, I wrote a post about the fact that my ex, Voldemort, is just some guy I used to know.

I have a “book of the day” calendar that The Roommate’s mom gave me for Christmas. I was ripping off the 22nd’s listing when it hit me…

Four years ago from that day, I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I had walked down the aisle and said “I do” to a man who in no way, shape, or form deserved to have me say those sacred words to him.

No wonder Voldemort was subtly on my mind!

I wrote the post not realizing the date, or the huge significance of the following day… stupid subconscious!

I’ve had that happen around Memorial day, but that one I’m much more aware of– it is a national holiday, after all. The date of March 22 is meaningless to me now. It’s just another day.

But apparently my subconscious refuses to let it go so easily.

The fact that I got through the day without ever acknowledging the significance of the date seems like a success to me!