June 2011


This is one of my favorite songs, not just because it’s a catchy tune, but because it’s a really good reminder that life is not a romantic comedy and it’s not going to turn out like we think or plan.

But I can’t help but wish and dream that my next (and hopefully final) relationship will start off with some cute, romantic-comedy meet-cute where we eventually ride off into the sunset, living happily ever after. I can’t seem to shake the fantasy out of my head.

Where’s the line between hope, having a standard, and just being ridiculous? My very logical side of my brain knows that things like a movie don’t happen in real life. But my hopelessly romantic side of my brain seems to spin a very convincing tale to convince my logic, and before I know it, I’m daydreaming a full-fledged fantasy that looks eerily similar to Return to Me, minus the whole heart-transplant thing.

I can’t seem to help myself. And then my expectations are completely out of whack because I start to insist men respond and act like the men in the movies. It’s completely unfair to the men I date, and it’s a complete downer for me when the men don’t match up. It’s ridiculous that I do that!

I know I need to just let the men be themselves and find one that meshes with me in a way no other man has, but I just can’t seem to shake that fantasy man from the back of my mind.

It’s frustrating and unfair to everyone involved, and I can’t figure out how to just let it go. The men I date are flawed humans, just like me. I cannot put the expectations on them that I wouldn’t want put on me. I wouldn’t want the pressure to live up to some skewed fantasy of a guy that in no way aligns with reality.

If I want a man to love me for me, I need to love him for him. Plus, as the best friend, Paul, in (500) Days of Summer says, “Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She’s real.” I can create the most incredible, dark-skinned, dark-haired man I can imagine in my mind… but he’s not real. It is a complete waste of time and energy thinking about it. There are great men out there who, if I give them half a second’s chance, can show me that they are better than my fantasy man because they are real, their kisses are real, and the connection we have is real.

Now if only my logical side would just tell my hopeless romantic side to shut the hell up!

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I’ve been doing some career-soul-searching lately, and I realized something today when I was reading a book on what to do next with my life. What has been missing, what I desire for work and for everything that I do, is SIGNIFICANCE.

I want my work to mean something. My job as an admin is only significant in that the VP of Land doesn’t have to worry about printing out his own projects. My significance in my job is per project, not necessarily in the functioning and success of my company. The company would still function if our office manager answered the phones, did all the ordering of food and supplies.

I should clarify that I have worked extremely hard over the last three years at my job to build up the projects and responsibilities that I have within the different departments. I’ve proven myself to be a hard and meticulous worker who will do things right and ask the right questions to get things done well.

I look with envy into our war room in our office at the people who are in there for various meetings. They are helping make decisions, they are listened to by the higher-ups in the company, they tell the president of the company what decisions to make. I’m lucky if I can reserve a car for one of our VP’s upcoming trips to Texas.

I know an admin job is not one of central importance or a role that people will ask my opinion on where to drill– I haven’t been trained in that, and I have no reason to be in those meetings… however…

I want to be significant.

I want to be someone who is not just in the background, getting miscellaneous projects done so other people don’t have to, but someone who people rely on, look to, and RESPECT! I want to play a central role, even if that central role is an assistant role– I’m actually an excellent assistant! But I’d like to know that my work really does have significance to the overall success and value of the company/organization.

I’m still searching and reflecting on what I’m wanting out of work and my job, because I get the sense of meaning by volunteering with various organizations, so I don’t necessarily need to change the world with my job… I just want to leave a lasting impact on my job and the people I work with and interact with.

Is that too much to ask??

It’s really hit me that I’m single.

I’ve spent the last 10ish years in some form of a relationship or another. I was an expert at dropping one boyfriend and instantly picking up a new one. However, I turned 25 with no male counterpart, and over the last few weeks, it has struck me that I am indeed single. I don’t have a guy lined up, waiting, eagerly awaiting my presence. I’ve never had to deal with this before. Even in the lulls between serious relationships, I’ve managed to find someone, even if it was only for a couple of dates-worth. At least they were there.

Over the last year or so, I have become a lot more intentional about the guys I date and spend my time with. Although, I’m still learning to be picky and selective… but that’s a whole different story.

I got married without really thinking about the repercussions on the rest of my life. I thought, because he was willing to marry me, all of my dreams would come true– just because we’d said “I do.” (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work that way! Not even a little bit.)

I’ve been learning a lot over the last two years about myself, relationships, dating, and just people in general. I feel like a veil has been lifted, uncovering how I view the world and it has put things in a much more realistic, and somewhat depressing, light. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better to be seeing the world for what it is than marry a dumb-ass because you’re not willing to face reality. But ever since my divorce almost 2 years ago (holy crap, has it been that long?), I have gone on numerous dates and had one serious boyfriend, but I haven’t really been fulfilled. I haven’t been in love since I was married– not even close to it, actually. I miss that. I miss the excitement, the energy, the wonderment of a new, exciting, mutually invested relationship. And the progression of a relationship into “they get me.”

Because I’ve been single for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to my own lifestyle. I do what I want, when I want, how I want to do it. I don’t need to worry about anyone else’s schedule or demands. It’s very freeing and helps me solidify my independence. I like being able to go out on dates on a whim and enjoy male attention at get-togethers. Being single let’s me do my life exactly like I want to. I even said to my roommate, “I enjoy being single.” Never in a million years would I ever imagine that I’d think that or feel that way. But I do. I enjoy the single lifestyle.

However…

I miss having someone in my life who understands what makes me tick. As I write this, I realize I have never had that… so let me rephrase that: I have realized my desire to have someone in my life who understands what makes me tick. I’ve never had someone in my life who looks at my quirks and admires them, embraces them, and most of all, loves them. I’ve felt like I’ve had to apologize for this quirk or that. I’ve had to apologize or change because I’m not perfect. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve become an expert at being “the perfect girlfriend.” But as I said before, I’m learning that I don’t have to be “perfect” or even apologize for being who I am. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully love me for me.

I’ve heard stories about people, and know some personally, who have stories of when they met their significant other, they knew they were the one because they fit them so perfectly. They understood them and there was a connection instantaneously. I’m not talking about love at first sight, but a connection that goes deeper than “he’s/she’s kinda cute…” Whether it’s a joke told, an unbelievable kiss, a funny bodily function, or even a conversation– there are things that connect people. And that’s what I yearn for. I want that connection. I want that desire. I miss it. I miss being with someone. And I desire, no– I need– someone who understands me and gets me to my core, and loves me even more because of it. I want to find someone who I am that way with as well. I want to “get” someone, understand what makes them tick, and spend my time with them in a way that is deeper and more connected than I can even imagine.

I’m lonely and I want to have that special someone in my life. I’ve never had to look this much or work this hard to find a suitable match before. I’m completely out of my element right now and it’s making me sad, lonely, and a little bit anxious. I’m finally understanding the woes of fellow singletons when they are distressed about not having met Mr./Ms. Right. Too bad chick-flicks aren’t reality, and I’m not going to have a guy just walk up to me in a cafe and we fall instantly in love.

So, anyone know any cute, eligible bachelors they’d want to set me up with? 😉