After an enlightening conversation with my mom this weekend, and fateful timing of hearing John Mayer’s song “Say What You Need to Say,” I actually wrote a response to Funny Man’s email. She had asked me why I was still as emotional about him even though we didn’t date that long. My response to her was: “I never got the closure I needed.” After a long conversation, we talked through how I could email him and tell him how I felt without sounding hysterical or over-reacting. I’m disappointed and bummed out, and that was the true cause of my frustration. But in no way was I going to excuse his behavior or sugar-coat how I feel. And I’m a blunt person (just as my sister), and my response shows that.

So, I wrote out the email, had The Roommate read it and give her feedback, and sent it this morning. I’m hoping this will finally take that dread out of the pit of my stomach when I run into him, think about him, or he is mentioned by mutual friends.

I really hope this gives me the closure I so badly desire:

 

Funny Man—

It was a surprise to get your long-overdue email. While I appreciate the sentiment, I wish you had taken actual responsibility for your actions. Your dishonest behavior was deliberate and intentional– and leaving information out of our interactions didn’t “just happen.”

I’m very disappointed in how you handled things and how you treated me. You were one of my favorite people to be around and I liked being your friend– I know I told you more than once how much you made me laugh. And now, because of your inexcusable behavior, we can’t even be friends.

All it would have taken would have been a short, albeit uncomfortable, conversation telling me what was going on and where things stood. I honestly believe that if you had done that, we could have stayed friends and all of this could have been avoided. Instead, you deceived me and led me on—and that was just cruel.

I hope that you really do feel as bad as you said you do. And because of this experience, I hope you have learned to treat women with respect and have learned the importance of having open and honest communication with them.

I wish things had turned out differently and you had treated me better and with an ounce of respect. I really am disappointed in you—I truly expected more.

Kate

Guess what I’m doing tonight?

I’m going on a blind date!

And when I say blind date, I mean I only have a vague idea of what he looks like based on his LinkedIn profile picture and a site I found when I googled him… and I know his name and occupation. That’s all I know.

My sister met him and his friends out at a bar this last weekend while she was out for a friend’s bachelorette party. After a long conversation, my sister decided he was worthy of her stamp of approval. She then told him that her sister is single and that we should go out! So she got his number so I could call him.

For the first time in my life, I finally understand the agony of men in the dating world. Calling someone new is terrifying! I wanted to text him because it’s easier and way less scary.

But I called him!

I hoped and prayed that it would go to voicemail– I had the message rehearsed and everything. But no, he answered. He laughed when I told him who I was and we engaged in a brief conversation.

He then offered for us to go out for happy hour to actually meet in person.

So in an hour I’ll be sitting across from some guy my sister found for me and engaging in first-date banter… and “I’ve just met you” banter.

Well, I hope it’s banter. If it’s not, then the family stuff I (actually) have to leave for will miraculously happen earlier than planned.

But my sister is a pretty accurate and strict judge of character, so the fact that this guy passed whatever test she puts people through really tells me a lot about him.

Here’s hoping her radar continues to be spot-on!

 

I’m hoping by posting about my current feelings about my love life will help alleviate my frustration. So please bear with me…

I have great friends, a great job, a loving family and most of my evenings and weekends are packed. I would describe myself as happy and content with my life.

However…

I am extremely lonely.

Both my sister, who in the past has been the biggest relationship-phobe but is now in a full-fledged relationship, and The Roommate are dating men who fit them so well and I have seen how much joy they get from being in those relationships.

I look on their relationships with envy and really wish that I was with someone who made that much sense with me. Instead, I end up on dates with players, dickheads, crazies, and bores. Or on no dates at all.

And don’t get me wrong– I am so happy for my sister and The Roommate and can’t wait to see where their relationships end up (it’s like a real-life romantic comedy for The Roommate… and I have front row seats!). Their relationships show me that there are people out there who fit perfectly with another person. And it’s been so great to see the positive changes that have come from them being in those relationships.

I like dating, I like going out and meeting new people. First dates don’t give me any sort of anxiety and I’m never nervous about them– which helps me be relaxed and a good conversationalist. But I’m not meeting anyone who would be a good match for me.

Not by a long-shot.

I have a dating philosophy that says “I never say no to a request for a first date” (within reason, of course). My thought is that if a guy has had enough courage to ask me out on a date (or even for my phone number), I will oblige. And I will go with a positive attitude and hope that something comes from it. Unless I’ve known the guy for a while, how can I know how good of a match they’ll be for me if I don’t give them a chance?

But do I need to change that philosophy? Am I not being discerning enough, so I continue to end up disappointed more times than not? Or is that the “right” way to do it, and hope that eventually I’ll go out with “the one”?

And I’m not even asking for much at this point. I know that the shaming of single women is “you’re just being too picky,” which I honestly don’t think I am. At this point in time, all I’m looking for is someone who has a job, can carry a two-way conversation, I have chemistry with them, and he isn’t an asshole.

I feel like I’m too young to have to start lowering my bar/expectations. Or has 26 become the start for spinsters? Maybe it is– during a recent conversation with a friend, we started talking about how it’s nearly impossible to find someone who is not either: A) completely immature, B) recently divorced, or C) not looking for a relationship. Sounds like a list of the traits of my recent dates…

I don’t want to whine. I hate when people whine about “no one loves me!”

But I can’t seem to help myself. I’ve been doing everything I can to meet people out in my world (as opposed to online)– I’ve joined social groups, attended meetups, drank at networking happy hours, I’m currently captaining my kickball team, volunteering more– but none of that hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. Yes, I’m making new/more friends, but any guys I meet at any of those get-togethers are unavailable, way older than I am, or sleazy.

I’ve been bound and determined to not get back into the online dating world because I REALLY want to meet someone “organically.” But more and more, I’m finding that that has really become nearly impossible.

Is online dating really the only way to meet anyone any more? Or should I continue to be a “Ted Moseby” and hold out hope that I’ll meet my future mister out about in my life?

I’m feeling down about this, and I refuse to let it bring my entire out-look on life down, but I also can’t shake the dark rain cloud that is lurking in the background, ready to swallow me if I give it more than a moment’s attention.

Thanks for listening to me whine. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help me get past it and just live my life and tell that dark cloud to go away.

To help cheer me up (and tell you where the title reference came from), I’m hoping Winnie the Pooh will help:

 

When I ask the above question, I’m not asking if he’s loaded and lives in a gigantic house. I mean, that wouldn’t be bad, but what I really mean is, “is my first impression of you accurate?”

I was chatting with The Lawyer yesterday about a date I have tonight. I met a guy at an industry happy hour last week and after some texts and emails back and forth, we planned to go out for drinks after work tonight.

As I was explaining my thoughts about going on the date, I told The Lawyer that I was excited (because I strangely like first dates) but I was also hesitant because my first impression of the guy when I saw him was “wow, he looks like a douche.” He’s kinda cute but how he carried himself just gave off that vibe. And because of that, The Lawyer asked if he could call him the “Visual Douche”… and I’ll call him VD for now– hopefully he changes that perception.

As VD and I chatted briefly at the happy hour, and what I can remember from it since I was 3 drinks in and asked him where he went to school at least 2 or 3 times (and that was even worse because he went to the college literally around the corner from my house), he seemed like an engaging person and was pretty dynamic.

So it got me thinking about first impressions. I’m interested to see if after our date this guy can be considered a Mr. Darcy– the misunderstood, but totally awesome suitor– or Mr. Collins– the obnoxious, no one wants to be around him suitor. (And if you don’t understand those references, go and read (or watch) “Pride and Prejudice.”)

I’m hoping my first impression of VD is wrong and something happens between us, even if it’s just for a little while. But I learned the hard way with Voldemort that my first impressions/instincts are pretty spot-on in the long run.

So fingers crossed that my date tonight turns out to be a Mr. Darcy.

Regardless of who I end up with, I do want to be looked at like this:

Be still my heart!

I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and meeting “the one” lately. As I’ve been talking about in my recent posts, I feel like I’m finally in a place to be ready to be in a relationship.

With the personal work I’ve done over the last few years since my divorce, I feel like I’m in a great place emotionally and mentally. I want to do the work required in a committed relationship– I want to take the good with the bad. I’m no longer afraid of not being perfect (well, I’m at least working really hard on not being…), I’m happy with who I am as a person and with my life on my own. I’m now at a place that I want to share myself and my life with someone else.

I have a much more realistic view of relationships and longevity than I used to. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what the problems were with my ex when we got married (alcoholic/drug-using family, lack of long-lasting friendships, history of cheating…), it was the fact that I didn’t think that those issues would be a big deal in our relationship. And I believed that just because we were in love/married, all problems could be solved and overcome.

I’ve grown up a little bit and now I feel like I have a better view of things. And I’m ready to bring that new view into a relationship. I want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for the sake of a relationship, and I would hate for my future mister to do the same.

It’s one of my goals this year to fall in love and besides it being a romantic idea, I think it speaks volumes about where my mind and life are at in regards to that idea. I want to fall head over heals in love– no holds barred. I want to find someone who is perfect for me– I want my friends and family to meet him and say “oh my gosh! he’s exactly the person you should be with!” I have friends and family who are with people like that, so I know what it is like on the other side to see it in someone else’s relationship.

I’m ready– probably for the first time in my life.

Now all I have to do is just meet him…

This song is dedicated to everyone in the process of seeking out the person of their dreams:

 

I go through phases where I become completely obsessed with a song and will listen to it non-stop. The repeat button is worn out on my itunes (if that is possible…).

Here is my current obsession: (for those of you who get my blog via email, you may have seen a random post that had this video… I seem to fail in figuring out how to attach a video in wordpress’ weird “quick post” layout…)

I’m pretty sure I’ve contributed to at least a million of the 120+ million views the video has. I just can’t get over how hauntingly beautiful this song is.

The reason I’m sharing this song obsession with you is the fact that when I listened to the lyrics, I realized that when I think about my life, I have actually had the thought “oh yeah, I was married once…” My ex, Voldemort, is just some guy I used to know. I’m not at all connected to him. I don’t wish to have him back. I hope to never even run into him. I never use the term “ex-husband” even– he’s always “my ex.” He doesn’t even have enough standing in my life to be acknowledged in his past standing of importance.

When I was in the middle of my divorce, I couldn’t imagine how I would ever not feel sad about it. And yet, here I am, 3 years later, vaguely recollecting that I was even married to him… It’s crazy how I went from committing my life to this guy to labeling him under “some guy I used to know.”

Time really does heal all wounds.

Dating can be like a pendulum.

I’ve dated enough to be able to look back and see how I would date Person A, react to the things I didn’t like by dating Person B who was the complete opposite of person A… and I’ve done that for as long as I’ve been dating. My most extreme example is when I dated California my freshman year of college who was not at all like the goody-two-shoes boys I knew in high school. I then dated The Debater my sophomore year who was ultra-conservative and extremely religious. I then dated The Bad Boy that summer… see a pattern?

Thankfully I broke my pattern of reacting to my ex’s conservativeness and/or religiousness, but I still end up going from one extreme to the other. Case in point: I dated The Narcissist and a couple of months later dated The Dud (alternately referred to as “Huh?”).

I know this pattern in myself and I pride myself on my new-found self-awareness, so I try to be aware of it when I start dating someone new, and especially when I’ve broken up with someone and go for the rebound date.

But my sister said something to me the other day that has gotten me thinking about all of this in a different light.

We were talking about Funny Man, who came to my birthday dinner bash and my sister sat across from him at the table. When I asked her what she thought of him, her response was “he was very fun and life of the party… like Voldemort (aka my ex).”

I should have prefaced her comment with this nugget of information: when Voldemort and I split, our friends had a really hard time grasping what had happened because “he’s just so much fun!” Which is true, but that didn’t mean that meant he was a good husband (or person for that matter). So, speaking of pendulums, I’ve been weary of “class clowns” ever since… maybe I’m not as self-aware as I thought…

Because of my hesitation to be around people who resemble my ex in any way, shape, or form, it gave me a jolt. “Oh shit!” I thought to myself. “What does this mean for me and Funny Man?” I started to have a tiny panic attack until a thought donned on me:

Just because there was something good about my ex doesn’t mean I have to avoid those traits like the plague.

Obviously, that doesn’t mean to just abandon my awareness or not heed what my sister said as being a potential warning (as L, my former counselor would advise: pay attention and see if it really is an issue or just a hiccup).

But I’ve been thinking about this a lot since my sister made that comment. I liked that people liked Voldemort. I liked that I could bring him with me to parties and he was engaging and fun and could easily make people laugh– even if it was at his own expense (there’s a notorious picture of him in a Santa flag… and nothing else…). That was 5 years ago, and I still laugh about it with my friends!

So does everything that is similar an automatic red flag? Or can I learn to appreciate the (few) good things that Voldemort brought to the table and even look for it in someone else? Or is that playing with fire?

The ultimate question being: can I find someone who is a responsible adult (with a stable job, lots of friends, etc) AND is sociable/funny. Or does being funny and charismatic automatically mean someone is a bum?

I really hope it’s possible…