Hey there! I know it’s been forever since I last posted, but life has just been so crazy for me ever since the Christmas season started. I have told numerous people that I honestly thought I would ease into the year when I got back to work after Christmas… hahahaha!

(I shouldn’t admit this, but I also had the thought that maybe I would get better about posting on here… clearly that was another New Years Resolution that can be classified under FAILED!)

I’ve also noticed that I don’t tend to feel the need/urge to write when nothing bad or dramatic is going on in my life (or if it’s super dramatic, I don’t have the energy or brain capacity to write). Since life has just been busy, typing away on my computer has been the last thing I want to do.

So all that to say, I’m here, I’m still alive, and there is much to update you all on. And I really, truly want to be better about posting more often– even if it’s my favorite video of the week!

Speaking of:

I seriously laughed uncontrollably when watching this video… which was awkward because I may or may not have been at work where all my coworkers could hear me snort and giggle! These guys have a whole series of videos that I spent most of my day at work watching while mindlessly working in Excel watched at night after I had gone home and was sitting on my couch.

And that’s why they pay me the big bucks!

My updates:

The biggest changes in my life are all happening this month.

The saddest thing is that I had to say goodbye to The Roommate because she is following her lifelong dream of living in Washington DC. I’m going to miss her terribly and it’s weird to think that she’s not coming home any time soon, like it was when she went to Europe a few months ago.

The Roommate and I get along so well, which makes sense since we are practically the same person, so I am really going to miss how easy it was to live with her and how much fun we had as roommates. She and I can talk for hours about anything, but it wont be as easy to do via the phone. So I’m already planning a trip out to see her some time in the spring. I can’t wait!

The other thing happening this month is that I’m moving. I was all set to stay in my beloved house another year and have my sister move in when her lease was up. However, with only 3 days left on my lease, my landlord sent me an email telling me he was going to raise my rent $200 starting in April if I wanted to sign for another year…

Yeah, no…

So in a mad scramble, my sister and I found a new place to live in only 2 days! It ended up working out for the best because she will be able to move in with me March 1 instead of March 30 since our new place is owned/managed by the same property managers!

So yay for things working out!

So needless to say, I’ve been on a packing frenzy. I hate packing and I hate moving, so I’m trying to be good about getting all my packing done waaaay in advance of my moving date so I don’t end up in as a sobbing mess on the phone with my mom the night before I move… which also happens to be my birthday, so that’s really not a good plan.

I’m also still trying to cross a few things off the last of my Birthday List, but I didn’t do as well as I  had hoped. I guess it shows that I had a very different outlook on my year than it ended up being. But in lieu of not doing things on the list, I did OTHER things that are just as interesting and exciting! I’m hoping to post about a few of those things on here to share in the joy.

And of course, I’ll make another list for this next year… holy crap, I’m going to be 27! Just one more year away from my Golden Birthday!

I have things I also want to process about Company Ink, so if Excel continues to be as big of a pain in the butt as it is right now, I’ll have plenty of time to talk all about what’s going on really soon!

I’ve been working on a post about my trip to Disney World back in October… I’m way behind, I know. But in the meantime, I had to share this video that I have watched at least a dozen times in the last week and it has made me laugh out loud every single time.

And I don’t even own a dog or cat!

After an enlightening conversation with my mom this weekend, and fateful timing of hearing John Mayer’s song “Say What You Need to Say,” I actually wrote a response to Funny Man’s email. She had asked me why I was still as emotional about him even though we didn’t date that long. My response to her was: “I never got the closure I needed.” After a long conversation, we talked through how I could email him and tell him how I felt without sounding hysterical or over-reacting. I’m disappointed and bummed out, and that was the true cause of my frustration. But in no way was I going to excuse his behavior or sugar-coat how I feel. And I’m a blunt person (just as my sister), and my response shows that.

So, I wrote out the email, had The Roommate read it and give her feedback, and sent it this morning. I’m hoping this will finally take that dread out of the pit of my stomach when I run into him, think about him, or he is mentioned by mutual friends.

I really hope this gives me the closure I so badly desire:

 

Funny Man—

It was a surprise to get your long-overdue email. While I appreciate the sentiment, I wish you had taken actual responsibility for your actions. Your dishonest behavior was deliberate and intentional– and leaving information out of our interactions didn’t “just happen.”

I’m very disappointed in how you handled things and how you treated me. You were one of my favorite people to be around and I liked being your friend– I know I told you more than once how much you made me laugh. And now, because of your inexcusable behavior, we can’t even be friends.

All it would have taken would have been a short, albeit uncomfortable, conversation telling me what was going on and where things stood. I honestly believe that if you had done that, we could have stayed friends and all of this could have been avoided. Instead, you deceived me and led me on—and that was just cruel.

I hope that you really do feel as bad as you said you do. And because of this experience, I hope you have learned to treat women with respect and have learned the importance of having open and honest communication with them.

I wish things had turned out differently and you had treated me better and with an ounce of respect. I really am disappointed in you—I truly expected more.

Kate

I’m hoping by posting about my current feelings about my love life will help alleviate my frustration. So please bear with me…

I have great friends, a great job, a loving family and most of my evenings and weekends are packed. I would describe myself as happy and content with my life.

However…

I am extremely lonely.

Both my sister, who in the past has been the biggest relationship-phobe but is now in a full-fledged relationship, and The Roommate are dating men who fit them so well and I have seen how much joy they get from being in those relationships.

I look on their relationships with envy and really wish that I was with someone who made that much sense with me. Instead, I end up on dates with players, dickheads, crazies, and bores. Or on no dates at all.

And don’t get me wrong– I am so happy for my sister and The Roommate and can’t wait to see where their relationships end up (it’s like a real-life romantic comedy for The Roommate… and I have front row seats!). Their relationships show me that there are people out there who fit perfectly with another person. And it’s been so great to see the positive changes that have come from them being in those relationships.

I like dating, I like going out and meeting new people. First dates don’t give me any sort of anxiety and I’m never nervous about them– which helps me be relaxed and a good conversationalist. But I’m not meeting anyone who would be a good match for me.

Not by a long-shot.

I have a dating philosophy that says “I never say no to a request for a first date” (within reason, of course). My thought is that if a guy has had enough courage to ask me out on a date (or even for my phone number), I will oblige. And I will go with a positive attitude and hope that something comes from it. Unless I’ve known the guy for a while, how can I know how good of a match they’ll be for me if I don’t give them a chance?

But do I need to change that philosophy? Am I not being discerning enough, so I continue to end up disappointed more times than not? Or is that the “right” way to do it, and hope that eventually I’ll go out with “the one”?

And I’m not even asking for much at this point. I know that the shaming of single women is “you’re just being too picky,” which I honestly don’t think I am. At this point in time, all I’m looking for is someone who has a job, can carry a two-way conversation, I have chemistry with them, and he isn’t an asshole.

I feel like I’m too young to have to start lowering my bar/expectations. Or has 26 become the start for spinsters? Maybe it is– during a recent conversation with a friend, we started talking about how it’s nearly impossible to find someone who is not either: A) completely immature, B) recently divorced, or C) not looking for a relationship. Sounds like a list of the traits of my recent dates…

I don’t want to whine. I hate when people whine about “no one loves me!”

But I can’t seem to help myself. I’ve been doing everything I can to meet people out in my world (as opposed to online)– I’ve joined social groups, attended meetups, drank at networking happy hours, I’m currently captaining my kickball team, volunteering more– but none of that hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. Yes, I’m making new/more friends, but any guys I meet at any of those get-togethers are unavailable, way older than I am, or sleazy.

I’ve been bound and determined to not get back into the online dating world because I REALLY want to meet someone “organically.” But more and more, I’m finding that that has really become nearly impossible.

Is online dating really the only way to meet anyone any more? Or should I continue to be a “Ted Moseby” and hold out hope that I’ll meet my future mister out about in my life?

I’m feeling down about this, and I refuse to let it bring my entire out-look on life down, but I also can’t shake the dark rain cloud that is lurking in the background, ready to swallow me if I give it more than a moment’s attention.

Thanks for listening to me whine. Hopefully getting this off my chest will help me get past it and just live my life and tell that dark cloud to go away.

To help cheer me up (and tell you where the title reference came from), I’m hoping Winnie the Pooh will help:

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and meeting “the one” lately. As I’ve been talking about in my recent posts, I feel like I’m finally in a place to be ready to be in a relationship.

With the personal work I’ve done over the last few years since my divorce, I feel like I’m in a great place emotionally and mentally. I want to do the work required in a committed relationship– I want to take the good with the bad. I’m no longer afraid of not being perfect (well, I’m at least working really hard on not being…), I’m happy with who I am as a person and with my life on my own. I’m now at a place that I want to share myself and my life with someone else.

I have a much more realistic view of relationships and longevity than I used to. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what the problems were with my ex when we got married (alcoholic/drug-using family, lack of long-lasting friendships, history of cheating…), it was the fact that I didn’t think that those issues would be a big deal in our relationship. And I believed that just because we were in love/married, all problems could be solved and overcome.

I’ve grown up a little bit and now I feel like I have a better view of things. And I’m ready to bring that new view into a relationship. I want to love someone and I want them to love me back. I don’t want to sacrifice who I am for the sake of a relationship, and I would hate for my future mister to do the same.

It’s one of my goals this year to fall in love and besides it being a romantic idea, I think it speaks volumes about where my mind and life are at in regards to that idea. I want to fall head over heals in love– no holds barred. I want to find someone who is perfect for me– I want my friends and family to meet him and say “oh my gosh! he’s exactly the person you should be with!” I have friends and family who are with people like that, so I know what it is like on the other side to see it in someone else’s relationship.

I’m ready– probably for the first time in my life.

Now all I have to do is just meet him…

This song is dedicated to everyone in the process of seeking out the person of their dreams:

 

What is this? Two posts in one day? Crazy, I know! I started writing this post in my head last night, but I’m still not 100% sure if I need to write this just to process or if I would like some insight/advice from you, my readers. So we’ll see once I get to the end…

The drama with Funny Man has continued, and I’m currently at an impasse as to what to do next.

He hurt me deeply, and as of a few days ago, I never wanted to even talk to him again. However, after I got an email from him with no hint of acknowledgement of things that have happened between us (so he’s either clueless or calloused…), it got me thinking: we briefly dated, but we were friends long before that.

And there was a reason I was friends with him in the first place. And was attracted to him the moment I met him. I’m drawn to him and as I’ve seen, that draw does not seem to have gone away.

I no longer have romantic feelings towards him– his inexcusable behavior has eradicated those feelings forever– but I realized I still would like to be his friend.

The realization of this feeling came as a complete shock to me. But I don’t know what to do with it. As I told The Roommate last night, I’ve never dealt with this kind of hurt from a friend before. From boyfriends/husband, well, that’s a whole other story. When he hurt me, we were acting as friends, so coming to him as a friend is how I need to approach him.

But I’ve never had a friend treat me so shitty. Well, I’ve had friends who completely ditched me in my moment of greatest need, but I have no desire to continue to be their friends, so they get a pass.

The thought of talking to Funny Man and confronting him with just how terribly he treated me is terrifying! But when his email showed up on my computer, my heart started pounding and I realized I was so mad because I still cared.

Damn!

So, in light of this revelation, I don’t know how to go about initiating this discussion and then once that discussion has been planned, how to handle it. I don’t mind confrontation, but I can’t remember the last time I called a friend out on their crappy behavior. And that’s what is holding me up.

Do I care enough about our friendship to put myself through the whole ordeal? Or can I live with the realization that I care and do nothing to rectify the situation? And if I don’t confront him, will I continue to act passive-aggressively towards him or will I be able to just let it go and act impassively about/towards him?

I think I do care about our friendship. And I think I REALLY care about getting an explanation from him about everything that happened. And to tell him that his actions really hurt me, whether he was aware of it or not, and whether he cares or not. And I really hate acting so passive-aggressively towards him– I feel petty and bitchy. Instead, I’d like to feel empowered and like I stood up for myself in the face of a careless friend.

And, as the title of my post suggests, the biggest question I need to ask myself is this: even if I stand up for myself and confront him, can I forgive him? Or has his behavior caused an irreparable rift between us that I can’t muster the forgiveness to overcome? Before any confrontation happens, I believe that is the biggest question I need to answer for myself.

So wish me luck as I get up the nerve to email him to ask him to get together to talk. I’m really not looking forward to this. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement you can offer me? Because I really need it!

To end on a lighter note, if you don’t recognize where my blog title is from, watch this clip (and then watch the movie because it’s one of the funniest movies ever!):

I go through phases where I become completely obsessed with a song and will listen to it non-stop. The repeat button is worn out on my itunes (if that is possible…).

Here is my current obsession: (for those of you who get my blog via email, you may have seen a random post that had this video… I seem to fail in figuring out how to attach a video in wordpress’ weird “quick post” layout…)

I’m pretty sure I’ve contributed to at least a million of the 120+ million views the video has. I just can’t get over how hauntingly beautiful this song is.

The reason I’m sharing this song obsession with you is the fact that when I listened to the lyrics, I realized that when I think about my life, I have actually had the thought “oh yeah, I was married once…” My ex, Voldemort, is just some guy I used to know. I’m not at all connected to him. I don’t wish to have him back. I hope to never even run into him. I never use the term “ex-husband” even– he’s always “my ex.” He doesn’t even have enough standing in my life to be acknowledged in his past standing of importance.

When I was in the middle of my divorce, I couldn’t imagine how I would ever not feel sad about it. And yet, here I am, 3 years later, vaguely recollecting that I was even married to him… It’s crazy how I went from committing my life to this guy to labeling him under “some guy I used to know.”

Time really does heal all wounds.

Before I get into my love life, which is enough for a post itself, I have some excellent news:

I GOT A NEW JOB!

After being unemployed for a month and a half, I was offered a job at a start-up oil and gas company in Denver.

I am slightly hesitant to be at another small company– 6 people to be exact– because working at a  small company was what screwed me over. But even in my initial interview, I was told that they were trying to do something different.  The HR woman told me that they even get the input from everyone about new policies, just to make sure everyone has a voice and feels included. That’s a huge step up from my old company who didn’t even have a maternity-leave policy in place and made it up on the fly as soon as one of the young female employees got pregnant (and it’s one of the worst policies I’ve ever heard… big surprise).

I’m very excited about this opportunity, and I know I will learn a lot. The engineer at my old company, who I owe getting this job to because of his recommendation to the operations manager, told me there was so much more he wanted to teach me if I had been able to stay at my old job AND they had promoted me to a tech like I asked. So this will be a great opportunity to learn those things and increase my understanding and skill-set for the future.

I start on January 23. I can’t wait for that day to come– I am so tired of sitting at home on the couch!

It’s a new year, so new and great things are going to happen! It’s only January 10 and I already know this year is going to kick 2011’s ass.

In light and celebration of my new job, I will leave you with this video– possibly my favorite song ever. (Could there be a more appropriate song?)

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I’m no stranger to crushes– my diary from elementary school is about nothing except which boy I like that day/week. Sometimes there were multiple boys who had caught my eye. I’m so not exaggerating.

My long-time best friend will not hesitate to tell anyone about my notorious stalking of PK (Pastor’s Kid– rightly named since that is, in fact, what he was) in high school. I’m serious, I literally stalked him in the hallways of my school. What can I say, I loved him! (He holds the record for longest crush with nothing happening– 5 YEARS!)

Since I’ve been single, it’s been rare that I develop a crush. What has tended to happen is that a guy asks me out on a date, we possibly date for a while, and then it’s over. I haven’t had to sit on the sidelines for very long (if at all) because something happens romantically between us fairly quickly. So the sitting and getting butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of someone or the random Facebook comment that causes me to be “all a flutter” hasn’t really  happened to me.

I had a small crush on A (remember him?), but as I just said, I didn’t have to wait long for things to develop between us when I realized I liked him more than a friend.

BUT!

A is not who I want to talk about.

I’m telling you all this because I have developed the BIGGEST crush on a guy who I will call Funny Man. I cannot tell you how often he makes me laugh and how easily it happens. Spending time with him has made me realize just how infrequently I find my dates/boyfriends amusing. Yes, we can joke around, but to have someone cause my stomach to hurt from so much laughing is extremely rare. And that’s what Funny Man does.

I’ve been friends with FM for about a year. I play in a energy sports league– we do bowling in the winter, kickball in the summer and flag-football in the fall. It’s composed of only oil and gas people and their significant others. Anyway, FM was on my bowling team last year and I had a small crush on him the minute I met him. He was just getting out of a serious relationship, so I steered clear of him. I was also dating the most boring guy at the time, so FM apparently didn’t make a move either. (FM has given me endless shit about having dated that guy… and it’s rightly deserved.)

My relationship with FM has been purely platonic since we met, and I was fine with it…  until about a month and a half ago. I went to his birthday celebration and I realized I wished to be more than just friends as we shared a chair at the bar we were at. The entire sides of our bodies were touching and I suddenly couldn’t breathe… my heart started racing and I got all nervous.

What was happening? FM is my friend! I don’t feel that way about my friend… do I?

Since then, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. I have even hung out with him for hours (yeah, including sitting on his couch until 11:00 at night…) and nothing happened. But there seems to be something there. I think…

As I was lamenting about my feelings to The Roommate, I had a revelation.

You know what I said about having had crushes on guys for practically my entire life? I’ve also been the object of crushes more times than I can count. I’ve been friends with a lot of guys and have also dated a lot. Needless to say, I know guys pretty well and I can read them like an expert. It doesn’t help that guys tend to be REALLY easy to read.

But that’s what is tripping me up with Funny Man. I am not able to read him accurately and it’s driving me insane. It’s usually pretty obvious if a guy likes me and I can react whichever way I feel (I can plead ignorance if I don’t like him back or reciprocate the feelings and we end up dating). But with FM, he acts and talks like he likes me, but he doesn’t actually do anything about it. I should mention that he is one of those people who is a natural flirt. He flirts with everyone and is extremely friendly, so then I doubt myself and wonder if I am reading him all wrong.

So he’s left me confused. During a texting conversation the other day, he mentioned wanting to spend more time with me… but no date was set, no plans were made.

There’s a song by the band Say Anything called “Crush’d.” For the last couple months, that song has been on a constant loop in my head when I think about Funny Man. Well, more the chorus:

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can’t let it go, oh no.
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could let you know.

It’s pathetic. I know. I like him and he sort of says he likes me too, but nothing is happening. I need to just let it go and if he wants something to happen, it’ll happen. If not, well, we can continue the way we are– just friends.

The Roommate said she’s cheering for him– he’s actually likeable and people want to be around him (who knew there were people like that!). If only he would pick up the phone and ask me on a date, I’d be his in a heartbeat.

But I need to take the (very accurate) advice from He’s Just Not That Into You and give him the space to ask me out. It’s actually quite sad how much my life is like the main girl in that movie… but that’s a post for another day.

I’ve been dying to get this all off my chest, so now it’s out there. I’m not afraid of jinxing it (although my track record is not very good in that department), I just want to send those hopeful vibes out into the universe. I need to take the logical stance and tell myself “if it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen. If not, nothing is lost.” But my logical side is fighting an uphill battle.

It’s a consistant discussion between The Roommate and I about how difficult it is to make friends as an adult. When you’re in school, whether grade-school or college, you’re constantly in class with people and there is an air of “let’s all be friends and hang out,” so making friends is pretty seamless.

However, when you reach adulthood and start working 8-5 in some corporate job, friends just aren’t as easy to come by. Most people go to work, go home and don’t spend much time away from either of those places. Yes, you can meet and spend time with coworkers, but building a friend base outside of work is a lot more difficult.

It’s situations like this where I envy my sister the most. She seems to have an endless supply of friends and people to spend the evening with. She and I differ in the quality vs. quantity view of friendships, but at least she’s not sitting at home on a Friday night alone because all 3 of her friends are busy…

My friend who ran the Warrior Dash with me  moved to Phoenix for 3 months and it’s bringing to light just how few friends I spend time with on a regular basis. It’s nights like this last Saturday night that really motivate me to go out and make more friends. I have a core group of extremely close, “I know they’ll be there when I need it because they’ve proven that they will” friends, but I can’t rely on them to be my entire social life. I fear to be like Amy Farrah Fowler on “Big Bang Theory” a few weeks ago– begging Penny to not make her leave because Amy’s entire social life is dependent on Penny.

I’m a social person and I love planning events and get-togethers, but actually finding the people to spend time with can sometimes be the hindrance to a fun(er) night. But when I can’t find people to hang out with, nothing motivates me more to actually read the emails coming from meetup.com and go to networking happy hours.

I guess I get down about my friends every once in a while because I have a very different version of what I want my life and friends look like in my head than it is like in reality. I wish my phone was ringing off the hook with invitiations from people to hang out or a calendar full of social engagements that I didn’t have to plan all of. I love my current friends and when I actually go out and meet new people, it can be really fun. I just wish it was as seamless as it is in elementary school to make friends.

I guess I just have to take my own advice and step out of my comfort zone and continue to try and make new friends just like I keep going out to find dates. Wish me luck!