December 2011


I’m no stranger to crushes– my diary from elementary school is about nothing except which boy I like that day/week. Sometimes there were multiple boys who had caught my eye. I’m so not exaggerating.

My long-time best friend will not hesitate to tell anyone about my notorious stalking of PK (Pastor’s Kid– rightly named since that is, in fact, what he was) in high school. I’m serious, I literally stalked him in the hallways of my school. What can I say, I loved him! (He holds the record for longest crush with nothing happening– 5 YEARS!)

Since I’ve been single, it’s been rare that I develop a crush. What has tended to happen is that a guy asks me out on a date, we possibly date for a while, and then it’s over. I haven’t had to sit on the sidelines for very long (if at all) because something happens romantically between us fairly quickly. So the sitting and getting butterflies in my stomach at the mere thought of someone or the random Facebook comment that causes me to be “all a flutter” hasn’t really  happened to me.

I had a small crush on A (remember him?), but as I just said, I didn’t have to wait long for things to develop between us when I realized I liked him more than a friend.

BUT!

A is not who I want to talk about.

I’m telling you all this because I have developed the BIGGEST crush on a guy who I will call Funny Man. I cannot tell you how often he makes me laugh and how easily it happens. Spending time with him has made me realize just how infrequently I find my dates/boyfriends amusing. Yes, we can joke around, but to have someone cause my stomach to hurt from so much laughing is extremely rare. And that’s what Funny Man does.

I’ve been friends with FM for about a year. I play in a energy sports league– we do bowling in the winter, kickball in the summer and flag-football in the fall. It’s composed of only oil and gas people and their significant others. Anyway, FM was on my bowling team last year and I had a small crush on him the minute I met him. He was just getting out of a serious relationship, so I steered clear of him. I was also dating the most boring guy at the time, so FM apparently didn’t make a move either. (FM has given me endless shit about having dated that guy… and it’s rightly deserved.)

My relationship with FM has been purely platonic since we met, and I was fine with it…  until about a month and a half ago. I went to his birthday celebration and I realized I wished to be more than just friends as we shared a chair at the bar we were at. The entire sides of our bodies were touching and I suddenly couldn’t breathe… my heart started racing and I got all nervous.

What was happening? FM is my friend! I don’t feel that way about my friend… do I?

Since then, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. I have even hung out with him for hours (yeah, including sitting on his couch until 11:00 at night…) and nothing happened. But there seems to be something there. I think…

As I was lamenting about my feelings to The Roommate, I had a revelation.

You know what I said about having had crushes on guys for practically my entire life? I’ve also been the object of crushes more times than I can count. I’ve been friends with a lot of guys and have also dated a lot. Needless to say, I know guys pretty well and I can read them like an expert. It doesn’t help that guys tend to be REALLY easy to read.

But that’s what is tripping me up with Funny Man. I am not able to read him accurately and it’s driving me insane. It’s usually pretty obvious if a guy likes me and I can react whichever way I feel (I can plead ignorance if I don’t like him back or reciprocate the feelings and we end up dating). But with FM, he acts and talks like he likes me, but he doesn’t actually do anything about it. I should mention that he is one of those people who is a natural flirt. He flirts with everyone and is extremely friendly, so then I doubt myself and wonder if I am reading him all wrong.

So he’s left me confused. During a texting conversation the other day, he mentioned wanting to spend more time with me… but no date was set, no plans were made.

There’s a song by the band Say Anything called “Crush’d.” For the last couple months, that song has been on a constant loop in my head when I think about Funny Man. Well, more the chorus:

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can’t let it go, oh no.
I have a total crush on you, baby
Baby, if only I could let you know.

It’s pathetic. I know. I like him and he sort of says he likes me too, but nothing is happening. I need to just let it go and if he wants something to happen, it’ll happen. If not, well, we can continue the way we are– just friends.

The Roommate said she’s cheering for him– he’s actually likeable and people want to be around him (who knew there were people like that!). If only he would pick up the phone and ask me on a date, I’d be his in a heartbeat.

But I need to take the (very accurate) advice from He’s Just Not That Into You and give him the space to ask me out. It’s actually quite sad how much my life is like the main girl in that movie… but that’s a post for another day.

I’ve been dying to get this all off my chest, so now it’s out there. I’m not afraid of jinxing it (although my track record is not very good in that department), I just want to send those hopeful vibes out into the universe. I need to take the logical stance and tell myself “if it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen. If not, nothing is lost.” But my logical side is fighting an uphill battle.

Advertisements

Writing was light during the month of November, because I was busy accomplishing this:

I wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days!

It’s the second time I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and I’ve won both times.

I like my book a lot more than last year’s (projection much? omg!), so I’m actually looking forward to having other people read it. I got really emotionally involved in the story, and felt overwhelming emotion over the death of my characters. It was the perfect ending and it was symbolic and deep– it’s perfect. I was excited to get to the end before I even started, and I got annoyed that I had to get the story to the place where the ending was epic and fully understood. The rest of the rest of the story needed to happen to have the ending make sense. I’ve titled my story “Suit of Lights” which is what a matador’s costume is called (traje de luces). Oh, I guess I should mention that my story is about a matador in the 1930s. He was a bit of an asshole, but it made him dynamic and a bit more interesting. And my lead woman was spicy and fierce, so of course she was fun to write!

Speaking of endings… I have some bad news, which has also added to the reason I haven’t been as present.

Last Tuesday, I opened a letter sent to my office that was being sent back from a woman accepting my job, starting today (Dec. 5). I of course burst into tears and found out I was losing my job. It’s dramatic and frustrating– I never had a formal reprimand and got all of my work done. But that doesn’t matter, because here I am, sitting on my couch without a job.

So there’s that.

I have a lot of job prospects and a lot of people helping me look for jobs and talking to people. I’ve already applied to at least a half a dozen jobs and I’ve only been at this for 3 days. I’ve already been in contact (for at least a couple of months) with two recruiters for 3 different jobs, one of which I’ve even interviewed for, so hopefully something comes from those. I have my fingers crossed that I will have a new job by the beginning of the year. It’s the holidays, so I can’t expect to get any sort of job, or even an interview, during this time… but we’ll see.

Please send positive job vibes my way, I could really use them. But at least I got paid through the 15th, so I’m technically being paid to sit in my sweats on this snowy, freezing cold day 🙂 It’s all about the silver lining, is it not?