As I mentioned in my final installment of the dating saga with me and A, I’m learning (with some difficulty) to chill out about our relationship. I don’t need to go full-speed ahead. I’m young, there’s no rush to do or say anything before the time is right. But the struggle I’m having with liking him and wanting to be with him all the time, and telling myself to chill out is causing me some anxiety.
So please excuse me while I process this all right here…
Neither of us has ever argued about the intensity of our connection and attraction. I liked him from day one and getting to know him more has done nothing but increase that attraction. But it’s been very insightful (and terrifying) to see how I emotionally react to him liking me back. Normally I spend first dates, or even the first few months of a relationship, knowing that I’m awesome and the guy is lucky to have me, which manifests itself by me being slightly standoffish and un-invested in our budding relationship. More importantly, I know I hold all the power. I know they’re attracted to me, but I’m “still deciding.” I spent 3 months dating a guy, never truly deciding how I felt about him… well, that’s not true. I knew that he bored me to tears, but I was lonely and had nothing better to do, but it was still up to me how and when our “relationship” progressed. Yeah, it was a quality relationship.
The strange thing about my relationship with A is that I am confident in who I am, secure in what I’m looking for in a relationship, and at this point, feel like I’ve found someone who is compatible with all of that. And yet… I feel more insecure and lacking in confidence than I ever have.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been this crazy about someone. As I said before, I feel like we’re so compatible. I know it’s only been a few weeks since we started dating, but I really see potential for us… eventually
But that’s the problem.
I really like him and it kinda freaks me out. The war between my logical, rational side and my insecure, emotional side is making me nuts. I know A likes me and I am uninhibited in expressing my attraction to him. But “what if” continues to plague my thoughts. Opening up my heart to be vulnerable to someone to potentially say no, to possibly reject me, to possibly tell me he doesn’t think I’m awesome almost paralyzes me.
I don’t handle giving someone else the power very well. I don’t like not being the one in control.
And boy oh boy, do I like control.
BUT, I know he likes me as much as I like him. He even tells me so. I don’t have to try to contrive it from some obscure comment or body language. He tells me he likes me, that he is attracted to me, that he likes spending time with me, having me over to his house for hours on end. I don’t need to be worrying about the “what if’s.” I need to chill out and just enjoy the moment.
Because the moment is amazing! We can sit at dinner and chat for hours, or we can walk in the door and hardly a word is spoken 😉 We enjoy each others company and want to spend time together. I can call him when my schedule opens up on a Tuesday night and it’s not seen as intrusive or unwanted. He even encourages me to let him know when I’m available so he can see me.
But it’s all about balance. I know myself well enough to know I can (and definitely will) dive head-first into a new guy and the excitement and passion fizzle out in a few days, maybe a few weeks… instead of taking that passion and intensity and letting it fuel the dating process, the getting to know each other time, and we don’t have to hang out every waking hour just because we can/want to. It’s actually healthy if we don’t.
So I’m feeling content with where we’re at for the moment. I like him, he likes me and we can function in that place for a while. The dating process is there to teach us things, and taking it at a reasonable pace is what I’m learning here. And I’m confident that all that education will actually get me somewhere I want to be…
“Chill Out” is now written on my mirror in my room to remind myself to stop getting completely overwhelmed… it’s good to have reminders like that! Plus, it’s good to be able to breathe deeply and whisper to myself “chilllllllllll….” when I let my mind get all riled up and insecure.
August 27, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Falling and having some emotional connection to someone isn’t a rational thing…so arguing with yourself won’t help. You will want what you want…and that’s that… it is a matter of you being happy at whatever the cost without giving up on your standards….maybe bending the standards here and there to have some room to negotiate is the fair thing to do. However, this shouldn’t be a war within you….this should be about rolling with the punches. Why should you be afraid of being rejected? if he rejects you, then he’s not your guy in the first place and lord knows I would HATE to see you waste you time…so love the spot you’re in at the moment. Go out on a limb if you need to….it’s about truth… the truth cannot be changed no matter the answer given…the truth is, what the truth is…
Any man would be fortunate to have you…so act like that when you’re around him… he’ll pick up on it and put his desire a little more out there…
You deserve happiness Kate….so take it…if it was yours then he will yield if not you wouldn’t want him anyway…you only want the smart boys…. =)
T.
August 27, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Thanks, T. It’s always good to be reminded that pining after the unattainable is futile. Plus, why go through that agony for no reason? I guess this post shows my easily-shaken self-confidence– but thankfully I’ve also mastered the “f*ck him” attitude if he does reject me 😉
I get impatient and want to know if things will work out and how they will work out, and that’s why I just need to chill out! (hence this post)
I liked what you said about it being able to roll with the punches. I can have standards, but I can also take things (and people) as they come. No one will be perfect and all relationships take work. It’s good to remember that.
And being truthful and honest is the perfect recipe for satisfaction… even if that satisfaction comes from someone else in the long run.
Thanks for the encouragement! And you’re right– I only want the smart ones 😉
Hope you’re doing okay with the hurricane! Stay safe!
September 21, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Good reminder for me to chill out too…. I’m the opposite though. I’m not charging full steam ahead…. I’m always stressed, looking for issues in my relationships. Just need to Chill. Out. 🙂
September 22, 2011 at 8:40 am
Looking for issues that may or may not be there is another thing I struggle with. If I’m happy, I have a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me there’s probably something wrong and I should figure it out instead of just enjoying being happy.
It’s kind of a downer how often I need to remind myself to “Chill”… But the more I learn, the more natural it will happen– theoretically 🙂