As I mentioned in my final installment of the dating saga with me and A, I’m learning (with some difficulty) to chill out about our relationship. I don’t need to go full-speed ahead. I’m young, there’s no rush to do or say anything before the time is right. But the struggle I’m having with liking him and wanting to be with him all the time, and telling myself to chill out is causing me some anxiety.

So please excuse me while I process this all right here…

Neither of us has ever argued about the intensity of our connection and attraction. I liked him from day one and getting to know him more has done nothing but increase that attraction. But it’s been very insightful (and terrifying) to see how I emotionally react to him liking me back. Normally I spend first dates, or even the first few months of a relationship, knowing that I’m awesome and the guy is lucky to have me, which manifests itself by me being slightly standoffish and un-invested in our budding relationship. More importantly, I know I hold all the power. I know they’re attracted to me, but I’m “still deciding.” I spent 3 months dating a guy, never truly deciding how I felt about him… well, that’s not true. I knew that he bored me to tears, but I was lonely and had nothing better to do, but it was still up to me how and when our “relationship” progressed. Yeah, it was a quality relationship.

The strange thing about my relationship with A is that I am confident in who I am, secure in what I’m looking for in a relationship, and at this point, feel like I’ve found someone who is compatible with all of that. And yet… I feel more insecure and lacking in confidence than I ever have.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this crazy about someone. As I said before, I feel like we’re so compatible. I know it’s only been a few weeks since we started dating, but I really see potential for us… eventually

But that’s the problem.

I really like him and it kinda freaks me out. The war between my logical, rational side and my insecure, emotional side is making me nuts. I know A likes me and I am uninhibited in expressing my attraction to him. But “what if” continues to plague my thoughts. Opening up my heart to be vulnerable to someone to potentially say no, to possibly reject me, to possibly tell me he doesn’t think I’m awesome almost paralyzes me.

I don’t handle giving someone else the power very well. I don’t like not being the one in control.

And boy oh boy, do I like control.

BUT, I know he likes me as much as I like him. He even tells me so. I don’t have to try to contrive it from some obscure comment or body language. He tells me he likes me, that he is attracted to me, that he likes spending time with me, having me over to his house for hours on end. I don’t need to be worrying about the “what if’s.” I need to chill out and just enjoy the moment.

Because the moment is amazing! We can sit at dinner and chat for hours, or we can walk in the door and hardly a word is spoken 😉 We enjoy each others company and want to spend time together. I can call him when my schedule opens up on a Tuesday night and it’s not seen as intrusive or unwanted. He even encourages me to let him know when I’m available so he can see me.

But it’s all about balance. I know myself well enough to know I can (and definitely will) dive head-first into a new guy and the excitement and passion fizzle out in a few days, maybe a few weeks… instead of taking that passion and intensity and letting it fuel the dating process, the getting to know each other time, and we don’t have to hang out every waking hour just because we can/want to. It’s actually healthy if we don’t.

So I’m feeling content with where we’re at for the moment. I like him, he likes me and we can function in that place for a while. The dating process is there to teach us things, and taking it at a reasonable pace is what I’m learning here. And I’m confident that all that education will actually get me somewhere I want to be…

“Chill Out” is now written on my mirror in my room to remind myself to stop getting completely overwhelmed… it’s good to have reminders like that! Plus, it’s good to be able to breathe deeply and whisper to myself “chilllllllllll….” when I let my mind get all riled up and insecure.