It seems as though, at any one time, I know at least a half a dozen women who are pregnant. And all it does is further solidify the fact that I do NOT want kids any time in the near future, if at all. All it takes is one woman to talk about heartburn, shoving a baby out of her hoo-ha, or the complete lack of sleep to make me shake my head in disbelief that people actually choose to go through the process of pregnancy and raising a child voluntarily.

I’m always happy and congratulatory when friends and family members have a child, but it is so not for me right now. Everyone knows that I feel this way. My roommate and I even have contests on who wants kids the least!

(I’m telling you this to preface about the weekend I had and the information found during said weekend.)

The guy I mentioned in my previous post and I spent almost the entire weekend together. I picked him up from the airport and we went out to dinner. We spent a lot of time alone this weekend, giving ample time for more personal, intimate discussions…

However…

During those times, we never talked about previous relationships. I mention this only because I’d been involved with him for about a month and I had yet to tell him I’d been married. I’ve been on first dates where that’s come up, and it’s really not a big deal for me to tell someone about it. So I found it strange that he had yet to know this pretty big detail about my life. Also, I hadn’t gotten an answer to the burning question of why he is 36 and single.

So when we were out for a walk on Sunday morning, there was a lull in the conversation– so I took the opportunity to bring up the question I’ve been wanting to ask since our second date (where I learned how old he was).

Boy what a big mistake that ended up being. Well, not a mistake, per-say… but definitely a shock.

I casually asked “so, I just have to ask, why are you 36 and single?” I guessed he had been married, since statistically, it would make sense. What I wasn’t expecting was his response after his awkward “I was hoping to talk about this over dinner or something. I was trying to figure out how to bring this up.” Yeah, that sure put me in a calm state…

He then informed me that he had been married… oh, and by the way, he has 3 kids! GAH! I stood there on the sidewalk, slightly stunned, as he told me that he hadn’t been lying to me, but wanted to try to find the best way to tell me he was not a confirmed bachelor, but in fact a DAD! to THREE KIDS!

You guys, I just can’t seem to process this. It’s no wishy-washy thing to me about kids in my life. I have no desire to be around them, care for them, and I sure as hell don’t want to raise them.

He told me that he has them 50% of the time, so when he doesn’t have them, he pretty much is a childless bachelor. We talked for almost an hour last night (after I’d spent the entire afternoon thinking and processing this– and what to do next) about it, and he asked me why I couldn’t just date him for him and leave the kids out of the equation.

Maybe I’m being naive, but I don’t know if it’s possible for him to not have the kids factor into our relationship at one point or another. I like this guy a LOT and if it was some casual fling or I was feeling so-so about him, I might be able to just hang out with him when he’s in town and leave it at that. But I, unfortunately, do not function that way– no matter how hard I try to. When it comes to dating, I’m either black or white– I like you or I don’t. It might take a few dates to figure out how I feel one way or the other, but as soon as I have it figured out, I’m either wanting to take the relationship to the next level (of at least being exclusive…) or not seeing each other any more. I either let people in (and open my heart up for possible heartache) or I don’t. I can’t sit in that middle stage of liking someone and letting them in, but not having any sort of commitment or definition.

So, in light of that, I can’t possibly date him casually and let myself fall for him even more than I have when there are children on the horizon. IF we were to continue our relationship, being a part of his kids’ lives is definitely a reality. And then I’d have to make an even harder decision down the road.

I’m sure you’re all reading this and saying to yourselves, “take a chill-pill and just enjoy the relationship. Why are you thinking so far ahead?” And I’d have to agree with you. But for whatever reason, I just can’t let that “what if” go. I can’t compartmentalized our relationship to Denver-only encounters without seeing the looming heartbreak in our future.

And I’m already heartbroken about this relationship… which totally blows. But when I think about it in the long-run, it’s for the best. I NEED someone who is in the same life-stage as me and I also realized with this long distance thing that I really need someone who lives in the same city as me. There’s just such a loss of connection when your only communication is via text messages and phone calls.

But as my roommate’s boyfriend pointed out, this whole experience showed me that there are men out there who can really excite me and I can be truly interested in. So at least there’s that.

Back to the dating pool I go…

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