It’s really hit me that I’m single.

I’ve spent the last 10ish years in some form of a relationship or another. I was an expert at dropping one boyfriend and instantly picking up a new one. However, I turned 25 with no male counterpart, and over the last few weeks, it has struck me that I am indeed single. I don’t have a guy lined up, waiting, eagerly awaiting my presence. I’ve never had to deal with this before. Even in the lulls between serious relationships, I’ve managed to find someone, even if it was only for a couple of dates-worth. At least they were there.

Over the last year or so, I have become a lot more intentional about the guys I date and spend my time with. Although, I’m still learning to be picky and selective… but that’s a whole different story.

I got married without really thinking about the repercussions on the rest of my life. I thought, because he was willing to marry me, all of my dreams would come true– just because we’d said “I do.” (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work that way! Not even a little bit.)

I’ve been learning a lot over the last two years about myself, relationships, dating, and just people in general. I feel like a veil has been lifted, uncovering how I view the world and it has put things in a much more realistic, and somewhat depressing, light. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better to be seeing the world for what it is than marry a dumb-ass because you’re not willing to face reality. But ever since my divorce almost 2 years ago (holy crap, has it been that long?), I have gone on numerous dates and had one serious boyfriend, but I haven’t really been fulfilled. I haven’t been in love since I was married– not even close to it, actually. I miss that. I miss the excitement, the energy, the wonderment of a new, exciting, mutually invested relationship. And the progression of a relationship into “they get me.”

Because I’ve been single for so long, I’ve grown accustomed to my own lifestyle. I do what I want, when I want, how I want to do it. I don’t need to worry about anyone else’s schedule or demands. It’s very freeing and helps me solidify my independence. I like being able to go out on dates on a whim and enjoy male attention at get-togethers. Being single let’s me do my life exactly like I want to. I even said to my roommate, “I enjoy being single.” Never in a million years would I ever imagine that I’d think that or feel that way. But I do. I enjoy the single lifestyle.

However…

I miss having someone in my life who understands what makes me tick. As I write this, I realize I have never had that… so let me rephrase that: I have realized my desire to have someone in my life who understands what makes me tick. I’ve never had someone in my life who looks at my quirks and admires them, embraces them, and most of all, loves them. I’ve felt like I’ve had to apologize for this quirk or that. I’ve had to apologize or change because I’m not perfect. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve become an expert at being “the perfect girlfriend.” But as I said before, I’m learning that I don’t have to be “perfect” or even apologize for being who I am. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully love me for me.

I’ve heard stories about people, and know some personally, who have stories of when they met their significant other, they knew they were the one because they fit them so perfectly. They understood them and there was a connection instantaneously. I’m not talking about love at first sight, but a connection that goes deeper than “he’s/she’s kinda cute…” Whether it’s a joke told, an unbelievable kiss, a funny bodily function, or even a conversation– there are things that connect people. And that’s what I yearn for. I want that connection. I want that desire. I miss it. I miss being with someone. And I desire, no– I need– someone who understands me and gets me to my core, and loves me even more because of it. I want to find someone who I am that way with as well. I want to “get” someone, understand what makes them tick, and spend my time with them in a way that is deeper and more connected than I can even imagine.

I’m lonely and I want to have that special someone in my life. I’ve never had to look this much or work this hard to find a suitable match before. I’m completely out of my element right now and it’s making me sad, lonely, and a little bit anxious. I’m finally understanding the woes of fellow singletons when they are distressed about not having met Mr./Ms. Right. Too bad chick-flicks aren’t reality, and I’m not going to have a guy just walk up to me in a cafe and we fall instantly in love.

So, anyone know any cute, eligible bachelors they’d want to set me up with? 😉

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