This post ended up being a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Because there is always a possibility of people you write about finding your blog and being hurt by things that were said, I want to still express myself without potentially hurting any feelings. As I wrote this, I realized just how much hurt and frustration I have about this, so please bear (or is it bare?) with me because I had to rewrite this a few times because writing expletives over and over didn’t seem to be the best way to express myself…

It’s probably because I’m sitting in a coffee shop, waiting to go to dinner with these people, that these people are on my mind for this post. I tend to be pretty forgiving, so to think of people/a person who I still hold lingering frustration/hurt/anger towards is usually few and far between. I tend to be understanding, if it’s nothing more than “that’s just who they are, so I have to take it or leave it.” However, there are three women women who have the rare standing of still being on my “WTF List.”

Just in case this were to ever become public knowledge of these women, I’ll be P.C. about this and be as vague and non-specific as possible. In my greatest moment of need, they abandoned me. When I needed a strong group of people to lean on, none of them were there. I had spent a year of my life with these women and it proved that our “friendship” was nothing more than… well, an acquaintance. You’d rarely come to the aid of someone you barely knew or cared about– which is exactly how I was treated.

It’s been a year, and I thought I would be over the whole thing by now. I don’t know why I’m not. Probably because I continue to run into them or see them in the settings of mutual friends. It’s really hard for me to muster up the energy to go to this dinner tonight when I know all three of them are going to be there. I want to it to be a non-issue, but for whatever reason, it doesn’t seem to be possible. I assume that they have no idea how I feel, which makes it even worse.

But, as the title of this post said, I need to forgive them. I need to let this go. I need to let the past lay to rest. But the fact that I can’t let it go tells me that there’s something more there. It probably has a lot to do with the feeling of abandonment I’ve experienced with friends in the past, so this is just something else to add to that unfortunate list. I know I’ve talked with my counselor about them before, but I’m thinking we need to take a look at them again. They play no part in my life any more, and yet they awaken in me some extreme hurt and pain and I can’t just let it go.

Some friendships are so easy and uncomplicated, and others are dramatic and infuriating. I wish this was the former. I need to let this go. I need to forgive them. Why am I holding onto this hurt after so long? Why can’t I simply forgive them, or at the very least, let it go so I don’t get emotionally effected by their mere presence?

So, unlike my former post, I can’t just easily write away my hurt and write in that I’ve forgiven them. But know that I’m working on it, and working towards a more peaceful, balanced life that they no longer have any control over.