Well, let’s just jump right into my dirty laundry, why don’t we? If you are reading this and don’t know me personally, I’ll give you a little background information about myself.

Two years ago, I got married to a man who I met when I was at school in Fort Collins. I  had two different people tell me that they did not think he was a good man to marry for various and very valid reasons. I told them both “thank you for your concern, but I’m going to do it anyway.” Needless to say, a year and three months after we got married, he moved out and our divorce was final 4 months after that. It’s been a year since the divorce was finalized (on the 19th to be specific), and my life has completely changed for the better (with the help of an amazing counselor). I’m sure I’ll go into more detail about this some other time, I’m sure. [Thus ends the background information]

So, the thing that I need to forgive myself for is not listening to those around me who were trying to prevent the eventual heartbreak I experienced. There are multiple layers to this, but that’s the biggest one.  

Leaning on the wisdom and discernment of others is a lot harder than it sounds. I tend to see the best in people so I dismiss their HUGE negative qualities because they have the potential for being so much more… unfortunately, magical sorceresses don’t exist to change the beast into a beauty. That I didn’t see my ex’s huge flaws and true character is something I’ve had to learn from. But that I didn’t listen to those around me makes me so mad at myself. It’d be a (slightly) different story if no one said anything and I had to figure it out on my own. But no, those who love me most risked a friendship and family relationship to tell me what they truly thought; and I just cast their views/truths aside. I was naive and wearing such big rose-colored glasses that it was more like I was living in a rose-colored bubble.

But after being in counseling for over a year, I’ve come to the acceptance that things couldn’t have turned out any different because of the way I viewed the world and how I had guarded my heart/emotions. By not being aware of how I was feeling and not admitting to myself that there were real problems, I made the decision I did and no one could have talked me out of it, no matter how hard they tried.

So, I give myself permission to let that go, and know that my life has changed for the better because of the huge mistake I made. And I can take comfort in the fact that I have people in my life who love me enough to tell me when they see danger in my future and risk everything to tell me. I love you both, and you know who you are. I am working really hard to be more aware the next time around so we will never have to have that conversation ever again.

I’m forgiven… I can let it go…  * whew * That feels pretty good!

Advertisements