Okay, here is the “therapizing” post.
After I met The Italian, I realized that dating is at my doorstep, whether or not I want/am ready to. I needed to figure out what I should do and what I want to do. Of course, this completely hot Italian man comes up to me and starts flirting with me and gets my number, what else am I supposed to do? But as soon as he started texting me and we started talking, I knew I needed to figure something out. I called my counselor to move our meeting up a week early because I knew hanging out with The Italian was inevitable and going to happen any time.
She told me what I expected to hear. But she was good about understanding that NOT dating was going to be really difficult for me. She told me I could date if I wanted to, but I should go really really slow. She defined going slow as not being in an exclusive relationship, not focusing my time on just one person, etc. I don’t know how kissing and sex plays into that, but I think getting her to say that some dating is okay was far enough to discuss.
But then she threw the big ugly yuckiness at me. We were going over my dating/ relationship history and after going through (almost) all of them, she said she sees a pattern of being with really bad/not good guys with terrible character flaws and being with them for a long time. But the stickler was that she then said that not being able to not date or be in a relationship is a big problem that we need to deal with. She said I have some big need that I am fulfilling by being in relationships (whether good or bad). UGH! You mean to say that I have a problem?? And not just a small, get-it-figured-out-in-a-few-sessions problem, but a BIG problem! It really irritates me that I have this negative pattern. I’ve never seen it as a problem and have had an okay time figuring out who I am (possibly a bit delayed, but done nonetheless). Knowing what I want and who I am is the reason I’m even in this mess.
But I guess she has a point. I know I don’t notice or I avoid paying much attention to guys’/mens’ negative qualities and then they come around to bite me in the ass when I’m least expecting it. I think it might be that I expect them to be/become better people in the long run, but they end up failing me. I know some of the parts I play in some of the relationships, but the biggest part being I let them be crappy people and called it love.
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this with my counselor because I CRAVE the attention, the love, the excitement of relationships. And I really don’t like being by myself. I’m a counselor’s dream… And I feel like shit– this is why I avoid things like this– it’s uncomfortable and unnerving, anxiety-filled, and just downright shitty! I know I need to work on feeling and not just going about my merry way, but still– this is why I don’t feel too much because most of the time feeling equals pain, rejection, and terrible experiences.
