I’m Never Priority Number One, Even When I’m Celebrating… But I’m the Bad-Guy

Who the hell does she think she is? My sister is teetering on the verge of being a full-out bitch! It’s harsh to say, but seriously, how else am I supposed to feel? She honestly is pissed because she has to choose between some girls she barely knows and her sister celebrating a new era of my life.

And then she wonders why I don’t feel like I’m ever a priority… shocking! Thankfully I had enough sense to wait to talk to my counselor about it before I talked to her about it. The freakiest thing about the conversation with my sister is that she said EXACTLY what my counselor and I role-played her saying in our session. But I kept my cool, kept calm and kept reassuring her that I did understand that her retreat is important and the group is important and I understand that it is a difficult decision. But apparently I’m not understanding… Oh, and for the first time, when I consciously making an effort to not engage in her anger and her emotional outburst, she commented that “this is the most unhealthy fight ever.” It actually kind of made me giggle inside. Seriously, the one time I’m being healthy is the time you accuse me of being unhealthy? The fact that I would not engage in her emotional outbursts made her uncomfortable.

But seriously, what is there to get mad about? I’m her fucking sister! I SHOULD matter just a smidgen more than some freshman college students who she’ll probably never talk to again after this year. But I guess this situation, although extremely difficult to even wrap my head around and not cry over, shows where her true loyalty and care and concern really lies. If it was me, I would drop everything and it wouldn’t even be a question of what I had going on that weekend because celebrating with her would be the priority. But she’s shown time and time again that I am most definitely NOT her priority. Everyone else in this entire fucking world is a higher priority than I am because she’ll drop everything if they’re in town (or state) to go see them. But one request from me gets a “well, I don’t know what I have going on and so and so is coming up to visit and I need to keep my entire weekend open just in case they might maybe call to see me. But it’s not personal. Cuz I do have homework too, and that’s important and not personal.” I mean, is the world supposed to revolve around her and I should bend to her every whim and revolve my life around her? I already have to squeeze myself into her busy schedule, I’m not changing my party date just because she has some stupid retreat to go to. But my counselor made a good point today that my coping mechanism became closing off and my sister’s became being self-focused. Both ways avoid dealing with the actual pain and emotions of difficult situations.

Well, we’ll see how this all plays out, but she definitely isn’t proving to actually be on the top of my “truly supportive friends” list. Actually, if I were to speak honestly, if she wasn’t my sister, she wouldn’t be on the list at all. Because her actions are more of that of the people who are not going to be invited to the party than those who are. Just because we talk every(ish) day on the phone doesn’t mean I actually feel or am supported. The instant I bring up anything difficult, she doesn’t want to hear about it or takes it personally.

The more this drags on, the more I just don’t want her to be at the party at all. She does not embody the characteristics of the people who WILL be invited and have truly shown support and love to me every step of the way of this fucking mess. Stay tuned…

 

It’s Been Exactly a Month

Since I last posted. Weird to think about, especially since a lot has happened during this month.

I realized who my true friends are and who are not. It’s not a big surprise, but more of a disappointment who made the “not friends” list. On that list are all but one of the women from my old Bible study. ONE?? I knew these women were a bit superficial and not willing to go deep, but only one of the women has actually initiated and continued our friendship after all of this happened. I am very thankful for that friend, but it just pisses me off that I spent the last year of my life with these people and they cast me aside like I never existed… or exist. I just have to tell this story because it shows perfectly what I am to expect as treatment in the future if I ever hang out with these women. I went to happy hour with them all. When I got there, one of the woman who is on the “not” list and the woman who is on the “is” list were at the table. I walked up and the not-friend didn’t even look in my direction, acknowledge my presence, and barely gave me a hug when I walked up to her and practically forced myself on her just for a hug hello. We were waiting for two other women and while we were waiting, we of course chatted. The not-friend asked me how things were going and it just so happened that The Loser had done something that day so I was telling her about it when… right in the middle of my story, one of the other women walked up, the not-friend turned to her, hugged her, said hello, and started talking to HER! I was in the middle of my fucking story! BITCH! (And I don’t use that word lightly) And if she had treated me that way when I walked up as well, I probably wouldn’t have noticed the stark difference in our greetings, but she might as well have slapped me in the face. So, needless to say, I won’t be hanging out with them ever again. I’ll hang out with the one woman who is my friend, but not in a group. I know when I’m not wanted and/or treated like someone is better than I am just because they live in Wash Park. * gag *

On a happier note, I did go out a few more times with the Englishman. But he ended up being a complete bore. And all he wanted to do was have sex and I just wasn’t that into him. Plus, he started really getting on my nerves– like to the point of wanting to end the date early just to get away from him. On our last date, he took me to Wash Park for a picnic… should have been the cutest, most romantic thing ever… but it was totally lame. He packed the weirdest food, and none of it actually went together– like chocolate cookies and bagels… ??? It’s the thought that counts, I guess. But the biggest turn-off of the whole day involved a soccer ball. When we were walking to the park from the car, he grabbed his soccer ball. Not weird, considering he’s a soccer coach. I jokingly told him “I hope you’re not expecting me to be any good. I have terrible eye-foot coordination (actual fact).” His response was “I brought it for me anyway.” I thought he was joking, so I let that strange comment go. BUT then, after eating, we were both laying on the blanket when he got up. I didn’t think anything of it, but then all of a sudden I heard the distinct sound of a ball being kicked. I looked over (I had been staring at the lake and up at the tree above us) and he had taken his shirt off and was doing tricks with the soccer ball. He never asked me to watch him, join him…. NOTHING! So I guess I was supposed to know to watch him, but because he was already annoying me and that just sent me over the edge, I turned away and continued to stare at the lake. I mean, seriously, is he 8 years-old trying to show off for the cute girl? Showing off is actually a turn-off to me because it shows an insecurity that needs to be acknowledged and pumped up by someone else. If it was a natural thing, like if he had invited me to pass it back and forth and then to keep it from going in the water, did a trick, then I might actually be impressed. But not when you just get up and start doing tricks (with no shirt no less) for no apparent reason. Anyway, we ended up having a DTR cuz he could tell something was bothering me and I told him I wasn’t interested in him romantically and he said he was and/or just wanted to be fuck-buddies… yeah, not interested.

Let’s see…what else? Oh! I went out with a meet-up group and met a bunch of really nice, single women. Except I have a feeling that their wallets are a bit bigger than mine since the original get-together and the one this weekend both involve pricey restaurants. I mean, one night every so often is one thing. But every weekend? My budget isn’t big enough for that. So we’ll see how this group ends up working out. I might just go to the movie and skip dinner. But we’ll see. They were all fun and willing to put themselves out there for friendships. Oh! and the most exciting part of the evening is that we sat at a table right next to Jane Seymore!! She was in this stunning orange dress and looked fantastic! I hope this group (and others like it) will produce some good times and good memories!

Those are the highlights from this past month. I’ll post again to process some stuff… like being unloved and not prioritized by the one person in the world who I should be #1 on their list… but that’s for a different post.

I just hope that check really was in the mail and that it came yesterday (I forgot to check the mail yesterday and it’s really annoying me that I don’t know if it’s in there waiting for me).

P.S. Happy birthday, Forever Friend!

 

Self-Talk

My counselor will be so proud of me this week. We have been dealing with emotions and how to properly deal with them. I end up stuffing them, but when they leak out, I get completely overwhelmed and don’t know how to deal with them without them completely overtaking my mind and body (feeling nauseous, shaking, etc).

My counselor told me to self-talk and to breathe deeply. To self-talk, she told me to think about how I’m feeling (angry, hurt, anxious, etc), acknowledge those feelings, and then figure out what the worst thing that could happen and deal with that. More times than not, it wont end up being a big deal. And in the midst of all of this self-talking, she told me to take deep breaths, counting to 5 in and out 10 times.

So, this week (that just happens to be the week I’m on my period, so it just started out bad), I found out that The Loser cashed a check that he had told me more than once that he’d sign over to me when he received it. Not only did he not tell me he got it, he cashed it and didn’t tell me that either– he “spaced it.” * roll eyes *

However, when I first found out about that he had done that, I got really really upset. I ended up crying a little bit, but more out of hormones than true anger/frustration. But then I did what my counselor. I took deep breaths, counting to 5, and said to myself: “I’m really angry that he didn’t tell me, I’m hurt he deceived me, and I don’t know if I can get the money from him. But it’s not too big of a deal because I don’t need the money (but it would be nice to have) and if he doesn’t give it to me, it’s his choice to go back on his word– I did everything I said I would.” And when I opened my eyes after breathing and self-talking, I was calm! I couldn’t believe it! It actually worked! I guess my counselor knows what she’s talking about. Obviously I’m not an expert at this and let myself get overwhelmed– like with my sister– but I am walking on the path towards a more healthy way of dealing with emotions. YAY!

 

The “S” Word

And it’s only 3 letters, not 4…  Sex has been the biggest part of dating and relationships I’ve had to figure out with this whole dating thing. I don’t really know what is expected, I wasn’t really sure what I thought about it, and I just felt/feel kind of confused about it all.

I think I concluded (because I acted on this) that if I’m not comfortable or feel anxious about it in any way with a guy, I won’t do it. I will listen to my body and my mind and if it has sirens blaring, I wont go any further. For example, when I had The Italian over, we could have easily had sex that night. But the thought of it made my stomach turn and I felt incredibly anxious– so nothing ended up happening. It’s also for the best, because even without sleeping with him, I haven’t heard from/seen The Italian since he got back from his vacation. So good riddance.

But then I met The Englishman (I’m going international I guess!) last weekend and we really hit it off. He asked me to dinner and we went out last night. He took me to a yummy restaurant near my house and we then came back to my house and he gave me a massage (a clear means to an end…). He began to undress me and I never felt nervous. It was actually quite surreal. But it actually felt so natural and comfortable. I felt safe with him and so we “fell into step” quite easily. I was surprised by all of it. He definitely knew what he was doing. Even when it was over, I was a bit unsure of what was expected, but he ended up spending the night and we cuddled all night. He had to take a friend to the airport very early in the morning so he left for a bit and it was kind of a test to see if  he’d return.  I wasn’t sure if he would, since, as they say, he’d gotten what he’d wanted. But he did and we ended up having sex a second time, very early in the morning– not something I’ve ever done– my body was still a bit asleep. Not as intense, but still great!

We then fell asleep and I woke up before he did. I made breakfast and we chatted and ate pancakes. He said he wanted to see me again during the week and invited me to watch him play soccer (he’s a soccer coach) on Friday. So hopefully I will see him more than just last night and wont regret my decision. But I’m not regretting it at the moment.

Why does sex have to be a big deal? I realized that I’m comfortable with it when I feel at peace about it with whatever guy; however, I wont be sharing that information with everyone…

 

Sibling Strife

Dating has become the biggest cause of strife with anyone in this whole process of divorce– which surprises me because I would have thought the fact that I’m divorced would have been a bigger issue… but whatever.

So it’s really my sister who has the biggest issue with it. Everyone else I’ve talked to says that dating is healthy, a time to enjoy myself, that I deserve to have some fun, and just get out again and live the life of a single 23 year-old. When I told my sister about meeting a guy when my friend and I went out for a night on the town, she wasn’t excited– she got pissed and started lecturing me. That’s when I lost it. I had been feeling upset about stuff she was doing and saying and her reaction just pushed me over the edge. I know I could have dealt with her nicer, but she pushed the right button at the right time and I  just exploded.

She told me that I should wait 6 months until I even consider dating. Even when she said that a month or so ago, I told her she was being ridiculous. I have taken a lot of time and energy dealing with my emotions, my feelings, and my life. I’m in counseling, I’m reading a divorce-recovery book, and processing all of this stuff with trusted friends. I don’t know what else she really wants me to do! Just because I get over things quickly and I am moving on from a very traumatic time of my life should be none of her business. She should be happy that I’m moving on. But instead, it seems as if she wants me to lock myself in my house every night and cry myself to sleep over my failed marriage. I refuse to do that. I have cried and mourned over the loss of the relationship, and I’m sure it will come up again, but I have dealt with it as much as I possibly can at this point.

But I guess she’s too judgmental to see that anyone would live their life differently than she thinks they should. I honestly don’t know how she’s friends with anyone– because I know for a fact that a lot of her friends do things she doesn’t agree with– especially her best friend, but I’ve never heard her rail on her about the choices she’s made. And just because she’s my sister does not give her the right to talk to me the way she did.

She’s coming over in a few minutes to talk about this stuff, but I don’t know how she’s going to get over how she sees me–a promiscuous 16 year-old chasing after boys and cares about nothing else. She ignores the fact that I’ve now been to 2 counselors, 1 group therapy, been married, have a career, am exploring myself and my life… those things are just don’t matter to her. And if we are to have an open and successful friendship as sisters, she’s going to have to get over that.

Oh, and she’ll have to realize that “reading books and looking at other people’s relationships” is not the way to know how to handle relationships in your own life. That is the stupidest and most naive thing I’ve ever heard! No wonder she scorns my life.

 

Waiting

The Loser supposedly took our paperwork to the court house last Thursday and they still haven’t scanned it in. They say they are behind, short-staffed, and training people, so I guess I can understand, but still! Fucking hell! A week? It takes more than a week to scan the papers in? I want to believe that The Loser really did turn the papers in, but I don’t know when to believe him any more.

I’m also waiting to get my money from him. I had called last week and they told me our refund check hadn’t been cashed so they changed the address and said they’d send me a new one. Well, the idiots who work there were wrong. The Loser had cashed it two days before! And so I called him and asked him if he remembered that he owed me the money, he said “oh, I spaced it.” When I said “but you even cashed it…” he said “well, I just spaced it. I’ll deposit the money at the beginning of the week.” And if he thinks I believe him, he’s got to be the biggest idiot alive. So I’m waiting for him to hold up his end of the deal and then all we have to do is see if the papers are finally scanned in and then we just have to wait until October 15.

I hate waiting…

 

Fuck This Shit

Fuck The Loser.

Fuck his lazy ass.

Fuck his procrastination.

Fuck him making me mad.

Fuck emotions.

Fuck The Italian.

Fuck his aloof text messages.

Fuck his speratic messages.

Fuck his texting instead of calling.

Fuck all of this shit that I didn’t ask to deal with.

I’m fucking pissed right now and I hate it when I have no control over the situation and/or don’t understand what’s going on.

FUCK!

 

I’m Annoyed

I’m working on acknowledging my feelings and so I’m going to acknowledge some of them right now. I have been fretting over The Italian for the last 2 days and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t stop thinking about him! I emailed him yesterday to invite him to an outdoor concert and I haven’t heard from him! It really pisses me off! He is the one who initiated conversation again when he got back in town but has yet to do or say anything about getting together. If he didn’t want to see me, why text me? Why invite me to be a friend on Facebook? Is he really that big of a chicken? Or is he just not interested? Because I’m fine with him not being interested, but then he needs to stop texting me or contacting me in any way. I also feel lost because I am in unfamiliar territory and I don’t know how to handle any of this. I don’t like feeling or looking desperate or like I don’t know what’s going on.

I want to be wanted! I want to be liked! I want to be pursued! I want to fucking be loved! But if the one person so far I have met will barely pick up the phone, I get sent into a rage. I shouldn’t let him effect my emotions, but I can’t help myself! I just want to know that there are decent, polite, respectful men out there. Because so far, the pickings seem to be slim to none.

I don’t know how to let go of The Italian. I think it might be easier to let him go if he never gets back to me about Sunday, but then again, I’ll be annoyed that  he waited so long to get back to me. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m so lonely for a companion in a romantic sense, that I’m probably overdoing it with him and how I feel about him. So we’ll see if he gets back to me tomorrow. I’m pretty sure he has the day off tomorrow, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t check his email… but who knows… whatever…….

 

Into the Hands of the Enemy

I have left the divorce papers in the hands of one of the most irresponsible people I’ve ever known. I’m going to be worried the whole time until I get the call or text message telling me he’s filed them. I met with The Loser today on my lunch to fill out the remaining paperwork, and it was an interesting time.

First off, I looked over his sworn financial statement (which, legally, he is obligated to give me a copy of) and he didn’t completely fill it out. He left boxes blank, didn’t fill in totals, etc. Again, it was too much work for him to even fill in a few numbers, since, according to his oh-so-reliable informants who are his mom and sister, they didn’t have to do all this, so why should he? God, could he be a bigger whiner? It’s just a few numbers and then you add them all up and then you write the new number at the bottom. It’s not rocket science… but then again, we are asking The Loser to use his brain, so we might be asking too much.

He then surprised me by having an actual, full-on conversation with me! I couldn’t believe it. He’s remained silent the entire time when we’ve met the last couple times, so this was a bit of a relief. I  mean, I don’t need to have a heart-to-heart every time, but to know how he’s doing and how his family is is a point of interest to me; and I would think my family and my life would be of interest to him. But he talked about his jobs, that he’s probably going to quit/be asked to leave yet another job. It’s at yet another church, which he swore he would never work for another church again, and here he is at #3.

I just hope he is responsible this one time in his life and get the papers filed so I don’t have to get pissed about him being a lazy-ass procrastinator. And when I say pissed, I mean fucking-raging-infuritated-out-of-my-mind pissed. In case you were wondering…

 

Journaling: Grief — Goodbye Letter

In the chapter titled, “Grief,” the authors recommend to write a good-bye letter to everything that I am leaving behind, that will no longer be, etc. I think that is a good way for me to figure out what I truly feel sad about. I have a hard time expressing my sad and mad feelings, so this might help to bring those to the surface. Here goes nothing:

The Loser,

Goodbye to the life we were trying to create. Goodbye to the hours dreaming and fantasizing about what our lives might be like, the places we will go, the people we will meet. Goodbye to the house we will never buy, the cars we will never drive, and the children we will never have.

Goodbye to making new traditions that are just our own. I will not be able to wake up next to you on Christmas morning in our own bed, sit across from you at our own table, and open presents meant just for us.

Goodbye to the friends we were making. They will no longer be our friends the way they used to be. They will feel like they will have to choose sides, feel uncomfortable by our decisions, and it will be uncomfortable to be around them all for long periods of time. I know you never really cared about them– you only were interested in what was in it for you, not what you could give them.

Goodbye to our dreams of growing old together and watching our lives pass before our eyes, each day a new adventure.

Goodbye to having someone beside me, holding me and loving me through the ups and the downs. I know I will feel that way again, but I have to say goodbye to trusting people easily. Thanks to you, I will now have a nearly impossible time trusting anyone again because everyone might have the potential to do to me what you did. I can’t bear to go through that again. My heart cannot handle any more betrayal.

Goodbye to your empty promises and “I’ll take care of it.” Tomorrow always became tomorrow’s tomorrow. I can’t believe I put up with you never following through with the small things that you “promised” to do– like the laundry, picking up the house, running an errand, making a phone call… I got tired of hearing you say you’ll do something, all the while knowing that it will not get done because you’ll find something better to do with your time.

Goodbye to the suspicion that you were cheating on me. I don’t believe you did, but the fact that I even thought you were capable of doing something so horrendous is heartbreaking. You’re not trustworthy or loyal. You text girls while I sit on your lap, and yet think nothing of it. Why would I trust you when cheating was the way you ended your last relationship?

Goodbye to the stress of where the money’s coming from. Goodbye to having to persuade you that whatever shiny new toy you found is too much money. Goodbye to being your financial support. Goodbye to feeling obligated to buy things. Goodbye to sharing and splitting money you have no right to spend.

Goodbye to all of your jobs. Every. Single. One. Goodbye to trying to make you understand that staying in a job, even when it’s not fun, is the responsible, adult thing to do. Goodbye to fighting with you about what stability is. Stability is not just bringing home a meager paycheck. Stability is being able to rely on you to be an adult and contribute to the household and care about my feelings. If I have no one to lean on, how is that stability?

Goodbye to your emotional reactions. Goodbye to plugging my ears to drown out your yelling and cussing. Goodbye to your disrespect. Goodbye to your temper-tantrums and your childish perspectives. We learned how to fight like adults, and yelling and screaming is not one of those ways. Neither is acting like a teenager and leaving me stranded.

Goodbye to your lack of direction in life. I’m tired of hearing about your new idea of the week that you will be tired of by next week. Goodbye to getting an education and being married to a man with any sort of degree. Goodbye to being married to a man who is no better than his alcoholic mother.

Goodbye to not standing up for myself and what I want. I know what I want and I will fight to get it. I was not brave enough to do so before, but I’m brave enough now. Goodbye to being a people-pleaser and trying everything I can think of to make you show me an ounce of love or affection.

And last, but not least, goodbye to feeling embarrassed about waht has happened to our relationship. I was blinded by your lies and your sweet-talking, but now I see you for who you really are. Goodbye to any tears of regret I might shed. I do not regret my decision to end things. I deserve a better, happier, love-filled life and I was not getting that from you.

So goodbye… to you.