Who the hell does she think she is? My sister is teetering on the verge of being a full-out bitch! It’s harsh to say, but seriously, how else am I supposed to feel? She honestly is pissed because she has to choose between some girls she barely knows and her sister celebrating a new era of my life.
And then she wonders why I don’t feel like I’m ever a priority… shocking! Thankfully I had enough sense to wait to talk to my counselor about it before I talked to her about it. The freakiest thing about the conversation with my sister is that she said EXACTLY what my counselor and I role-played her saying in our session. But I kept my cool, kept calm and kept reassuring her that I did understand that her retreat is important and the group is important and I understand that it is a difficult decision. But apparently I’m not understanding… Oh, and for the first time, when I consciously making an effort to not engage in her anger and her emotional outburst, she commented that “this is the most unhealthy fight ever.” It actually kind of made me giggle inside. Seriously, the one time I’m being healthy is the time you accuse me of being unhealthy? The fact that I would not engage in her emotional outbursts made her uncomfortable.
But seriously, what is there to get mad about? I’m her fucking sister! I SHOULD matter just a smidgen more than some freshman college students who she’ll probably never talk to again after this year. But I guess this situation, although extremely difficult to even wrap my head around and not cry over, shows where her true loyalty and care and concern really lies. If it was me, I would drop everything and it wouldn’t even be a question of what I had going on that weekend because celebrating with her would be the priority. But she’s shown time and time again that I am most definitely NOT her priority. Everyone else in this entire fucking world is a higher priority than I am because she’ll drop everything if they’re in town (or state) to go see them. But one request from me gets a “well, I don’t know what I have going on and so and so is coming up to visit and I need to keep my entire weekend open just in case they might maybe call to see me. But it’s not personal. Cuz I do have homework too, and that’s important and not personal.” I mean, is the world supposed to revolve around her and I should bend to her every whim and revolve my life around her? I already have to squeeze myself into her busy schedule, I’m not changing my party date just because she has some stupid retreat to go to. But my counselor made a good point today that my coping mechanism became closing off and my sister’s became being self-focused. Both ways avoid dealing with the actual pain and emotions of difficult situations.
Well, we’ll see how this all plays out, but she definitely isn’t proving to actually be on the top of my “truly supportive friends” list. Actually, if I were to speak honestly, if she wasn’t my sister, she wouldn’t be on the list at all. Because her actions are more of that of the people who are not going to be invited to the party than those who are. Just because we talk every(ish) day on the phone doesn’t mean I actually feel or am supported. The instant I bring up anything difficult, she doesn’t want to hear about it or takes it personally.
The more this drags on, the more I just don’t want her to be at the party at all. She does not embody the characteristics of the people who WILL be invited and have truly shown support and love to me every step of the way of this fucking mess. Stay tuned…